Thoughts on divorce...

Y'all I have written and rewritten this post so many times I am loosing track. Divorce is such a touchy subject, especially in the church, and even with firsthand experience it can be hard to know how to talk about it. I will start by sharing this link to a post by Gary Thomas. Coming from a background of emotional and verbal abuse, this is the first blog post I have read on the subject that I completely agree with. I highly encourage you to read it. In my opinion it is well worth your time. As a teaser I will share one of my favorite quotes. 😊


“If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”
 
One thing that my past has taught me is to give grace. You can never judge a situation from the outside. (Last I checked "judge" wasn't in our job description anyway, but I digress.) You don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. That was 100% true in my case. My ex husband was on staff at our church. He thrived on saying and doing things that would make everyone think he had it all together. For the most part we looked like the ideal family and he seemed like the perfect husband and father. My friends would say things like "I wish my husband was more like him." And I would cringe inwardly, thinking they had no idea what he was like at home. Image was everything to him, but you can never keep up an act 24/7 and home was where all the pretenses fell away. He couldn't seem to face his own issues so instead he focused on the failures of others. Namely mine. Anything I did wrong or any weakness I had would reflect badly on him and was therefore unacceptable. What if someone happened to stop by and see our messy house? It would reflect badly on him. Why couldn't I keep the car spotless? If someone looked in it and saw trash they would think we didn't have our lives in order. And when the possible threat to his reputation didn't seem to do the trick he would switch to using love or affection as motivation. "If you just kept the house cleaner, I would love you more." "If you would just do what I want then I would treat you better." Looking back the things he would say to me were so obviously wrong, but when you are years into a controlling and abusive relationship it is hard to see the lies. It wasn't until after he was arrested and I went an entire month without talking to him, without his voice in my head manipulating every word and situation, that I was able to say for the first time "That was wrong. That wasn't love. That was unhealthy."

Let me tell you something. When someone measures your worth based on a clean house or withholds love or affection based on your performance in some area there is something seriously wrong. The moment you make love conditional is the moment that it ceases to be love and instead becomes something ugly and twisted.

I want to be clear, I am not "pro divorce" and at the same time I am not "pro staying together at all costs". With relationships there is no such thing as one solution fits all. I have seen marriages reconciled after infidelity and I have seen them torn apart by infidelity. That is not to say one of those responses is right and the other wrong. There are a million variables that go into each situation and blanket statements will just never fit. A quote that I feel sums it up well is "Every divorce is the result of sin, but not every divorce is sinful."

One thing I do know is that divorce is devastating. Even if it is the right decision. When I think of a myriad of devastating circumstances (death of a loved one, natural disaster, illness) I see the church rallying with incredible compassion and care. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why divorce evokes such a different response.

I think that in general we feel the need to make sure it doesn't look like we are encouraging divorce. Which is why there seems to be a knee jerk reaction to push for reconciliation even without knowing all of the details. Then if divorce is on the horizon we feel like we have to clarify that we don't agree with the decision people are making. "I love you but...you are wrong, this is a mistake, etc."

When I look at Jesus' life and interactions with  people it seems in direct contrast those knee jerk reactions. He never once said to the crowds "I am going to go to Zacheus' house but don't worry I don't agree with his profession." Or "Dear woman at the well, I am going to help you, but first I need you to know that I don't agree with your lifestyle!"  He didn't care what people thought, he just showed up and met needs. He was the epitome of compassion and love.

Jim and Belinda were my small group leaders at the time of my divorce and they gave me the greatest gift. They never once said they thought I was doing the right thing and they never said they thought I was wrong. I didn't take their silence on that topic to mean they agreed or disagreed with my choices. To be honest I didn't care. I didn't need either. What I needed was love and they supplied that without question. They made sure I knew that they hated that I was hurting, that they loved me and were praying for me, and during the times when my ex was becoming more and more unstable they made sure I knew that their home was open if my children and I ever needed a safe place. I will be forever grateful for the ways that they showed up in the darkest season of my life and I will never be able to put into words how much their compassion meant.

This is one of those areas where everything seems to blur. I am not saying truth is relative and I do believe in speaking truth IN LOVE. But sometimes I wonder what is the harm in showing up first with love and compassion and letting God, who sees what is hidden and revealed in every situation sort out the rest? Any thoughts?

Keep Dreaming!

Sometimes the magic is in the mess.

Decorating Christmas cookies is something that I grew up doing with my grandma whenever we were in Wisconsin for Christmas, or they were visiting us. In more recent years it is something that our kids have done with her and I absolutely love that. I used her sugar cookie recipe and for the first time ever I did not over bake them! In a weird way it made me feel like an adult. Thirty-two years old and I have finally mastered sugar cookies! Lol. I am not going to lie, it made me ridiculously happy.

So yesterday afternoon we invited a few friends over to decorate those Christmas cookies. The kids lasted for about 15 minutes and then they ran off to play and left the adults to decorate. Every so often one of them would return to decorate another cookie or two and then run off to play again. Then as soon as it was time to get ready to go they flooded the table again to speed decorate as many as they could in those final moments. It was loud, messy, chaotic, and absolutely perfect. My table looked like a whirlwind had swept through. There were sprinkles, chocolate chips and mini m&ms strewn about gobs of icing. I am so glad I took before and after shots, because I find the contrast incredibly delightful.

I looked around in the middle of it all and came to a realization that I am struggling to accurately put into words. One of my friends asked me yesterday if I felt like this was home, and without hesitation I responded yes. Truth be told Kansas felt like home to me pretty much from the day we moved. We could not love where we live more and I feel like as a family we settled in quickly and well. But there was something about yesterday. Something about seeing my kids laughing with their friends. Something about friends chatting over coffee, tea and cookies. It was more than having a home here. We have a life here.



I think at times the steps that God asks us to take seem so risky. Are they really? They seem risky because we aren't God. We can't see ahead. We can only see the now, and do we really want to risk what we know on something unknown? That is what I usually ask myself, but if we truly believe that God has good plans for us and that He is always at work in our lives, doesn't it make sense that the things He asks us to do are solid? Secure? What He asks is secure not because of anything we do or see, but because God himself is secure. God is solid, unchanging. I think the question I should be asking myself is "Do I trust that God's hold on me is secure?". If I can answer yes to that one question, everything else fades away. I don't have to see ahead, because the One who holds me does. I don't have to worry about what I do or don't know because I know the One who knows it all.

Out of the many things I am thankful for this season community is definitely towards the top of the list.

Keep Dreaming!

Uncharted Territory

It is midnight and I am wide awake. I have all of the thoughts and yet my words are failing me. I feel like I should write, but nothing of significance comes to mind....  I am dealing with postpartum depression. To be honest I am not quite sure what to do with that. It is hard to define and I would really like some parameters. I find comfort in routine and knowing what to expect, but instead I feel like I am scrambling to keep up in an ever changing game. Before this I knew what to do when I was stressed or anxious. I knew my triggers and managed quite well. I had my go to list - prayer, talking it out, essential oils, reading, watching old movies, etc. I would write. Blog specifically. There was something self validating about putting words out there for others to read. Claiming them as my own. Seeing the value in them. It is freeing.

But this is uncharted territory. Like I told a friend earlier this week it is both interesting and terrifying. I feel at times like a spectator in my own life. Unlike being able to anticipate situations that would trigger stress, depression seems to blindside you in the most random instances. One day you are on top of the world feeling "normal" and the next you are struggling with the simplest tasks. There are times that I think, I am 100% again! Only to realize I haven't showered in three days and the list of text messages and phone calls that need responses are growing longer every day. I have found those are two extremely accurate indicators as to how I am really doing.

I used to have a lot of preconceived ideas about what depression looked like. Some have been accurate in my experience and some not. If I had to condense it into a word I think I would choose overwhelming. Some days it is the big things and some days it is the little things. Some days it looks like dishes in the sink and floors that need swept. Some days it is no contact with the world outside of my little family because having to carry on a conversation with another person just seems too much. Some days it is saying yes to getting out of the house and other days it is staying home and spending a lot of time snuggled up on the couch with the kiddos. And some days it isn't evident at all. I go to church or a ladies night. I spend time chatting with friends. I laugh and carry on. And sometimes I feel uncomfortable because it feels like I am unintentionally living a lie. Unless you are in my life on a daily basis you probably would have no idea. I just need you to know that my laughter isn't forced. My words and smiles are genuine. I love connecting with others. In spite of it all this is truly one of the most joyful seasons of life and I am loving where God has us. There is definitely an ebb and flow to this journey. I am learning to be thankful for the easy days and the hard ones and intentionally looking for the beauty in both.

As Jeremy likes to point out I can be my own worst critic and he has been endlessly speaking truth to me when I forget it. I cannot imagine walking through this season of life without him. He has this knack for seeing me at my worst and yet loving me like I am far beyond my best. I am learning from his example to be kind to myself. Learning that it is ok to circle the wagons and make the world a little smaller from time to time. Learning to say no without feeling guilty. To give grace. To focus on the one next thing when I am getting overwhelmed by All. The. Things. And to look at the big picture when I need some perspective.

To be honest I really didn't want to write about this. Not now anyway. I wanted to eventually when I was past it and it was tied up in a neat little package. I have tried several times to write about other things that are happening in life but to no avail. When I was pregnant with Ella and we were keeping it off of social media I had the same problem. I would start to write about something "unrelated" only to find that my pregnancy had some influence in every part of life. It is the same way with depression. I feel like I can't write about anything else without writing about this first. So here I am. It is a bit scary to invite people into the unknown because you are never quite sure how vulnerable it is going to get. But here is the thing. I want to be invited into your unknown. I want to walk through it with you. I believe we will both be better for it. So here is your formal invitation. Come on in and get comfortable. And remember to keep dreaming because the night is going to come to an end. 

So..........

We are moving to Kansas!!!!! In FOUR days!!! I know, I am on a roll with the shocking posts. Don't feel bad, even the people closest to us only found out around a week and a half ago. When we say this came together quickly we are not joking. Honestly it feels like God was just waiting for us to catch up and once we did He just threw the doors open. 

So the past week and a half has been a crazy whirlwind of packing and last minute get-togethers. We just left a picnic with our church family and I am feeling all sentimental so bear with me. We are beyond excited and at the same time it is so bittersweet. Our time here both individually and together has been an incredible blessing. I feel like I came alive here. Life started over. Beautiful and full of joy. I met and married Jeremy. We found a wonderful church where we have thrived as a family and we will miss them so much! I have so many friendships that have impacted my life over the years and it never ceases to amaze me how God intertwines your story with those around you perfectly in different seasons of life. I am so thankful for the group of women that I have had the privilege to get to know and look forward to continuing those relationships over time even if there is distance involved. 

And let me tell you something about the women I know. They are beautiful. Their stories are phenomenal. They are resilient and strong. Tender and vulnerable. Fierce and courageous. They are real. They speak life and hope and value. They lead by example and live grace and extend love to those around them. They pour themselves out every day for their people. Their worth is beyond measure. 

I wish I had more words but they fail me at the moment. I am overwhelmed by God's grace and so looking forward to this next part of our journey.

Keep Dreaming!!!

 

Joy

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"
Psalm 27:13-14

Have you ever felt like God gave you a specific verse? It is right there in the Bible for anyone to see but somehow it seems to be written only for you? Well these are my verses. In December 2011 everything seemed dark and broken and this was God's promise that He loved me. That He would be faithful to me and my children. That this wasn't where my story would end. That He was going to write something new.

Believe me when I tell you that when God is writing the story it will look nothing like you had planned and yet turn out better than you could have ever dreamed. I didn't plan on lies. I didn't plan on abuse. I didn't plan on unfaithfulness. I didn't plan on divorce. I didn't plan on being a single parent. I didn't plan on meeting Jeremy. I didn't plan to trust. I didn't plan to fall in love. I didn't plan on life being so beautiful that it would take my breath away.

I am so glad that He had a plan.

And every time I look around I am undone by His goodness. I am forever thankful for the journey. The joy and also the pain because God works in both and through both has brought me to this place. When life is hard I look at these verses and remember how tightly He holds me and when the joy threatens to overwhelm I am reminded of grace. In both I am reminded of His goodness in every season.

This is definitely one of those joyous times. Without further ado meet the newest addition to the Chrystie household!

Ella Kate

April 26, 2016

7 lbs. 14 oz.

20 in.

If you are surprised by this news don't worry you didn't miss a big facebook reveal. =) We were actually very intentional about keeping our news off of social media which I am sure seemed a little odd to some and I wanted to try to put our reasoning into words. I feel like so many of the major and personal events in my life have been incredibly public. They have been scrutinized and talked about and (thanks in part to social media) in plain view and open to opinion not just for those who I saw every day but also those who I barely knew. When we found out we were expecting we were ecstatic!!! And all I wanted to do was to keep it quiet. Not in the sense that we didn't tell a soul but in a way that would keep it close and personal. Jeremy, who would likely be quite content as a bona fide hermit, was completely on board with this. So we told our families and close friends and from there we were more than happy to let it spread by word of mouth. It was actually a lot of fun to run into people when I was 34+ weeks along who hadn't even heard that I was pregnant! =) 

Garrett and Shiloh, who had been asking for months when we would have a baby, were over the moon excited at the news! They are at such a fun age and were constantly asking about her, measuring how she was growing, talking to her, etc. Garrett was a little disappointed to find out that we weren't having twins - he wanted a boy and a girl to keep things "fair". But he quickly got over that and switched to simply stating that our next should be a boy. Lol. They have been waiting quite impatiently (let's be real we all have!) for her arrival counting down the months and weeks till her due date which came...and went. Something we weren't expecting since Garrett & Shiloh both came early. Fast forward to 41 weeks, an induction, then an emergency c-section and here she is! Yesterday was a perfect example of both hard and joyful. Ella had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice and due to that wasn't tolerating the contractions. I am so thankful for nurses and doctors who recognized the severity of the situation and took the appropriate measures to keep little miss safe and for God's protection on us all. As intense and frightening as it was in the moment, I sit here snuggling our healthy baby girl and I am again reminded that God always has a plan.

No matter where you and I are in life may we always be looking for His plan and trusting that it is so much more than we could ever imagine.

Keep Dreaming!  

Then The Chrysties Had A Farm E-I-E-I-O...

So maybe farm is a bit of an overstatement but....we have chickens!!!!

Six to be exact. And the kids are sooooo excited! (Let's be honest, Jeremy and I are too!) The weather has been awful lately and the kids have been plastered to our kitchen window for an inordinate amount of time watching the chickens. I am sure that the initial enthusiasm will wear off but for now I am enjoying their excited reactions to the everyday and quite mundane chicken activity. "Mom, one of them fluffed up her feathers!!!" "Hey I saw one of them fly up to the roosting bar!!!" "Look they are scratching the ground and eating the grass!!!" I mean forget cable tv, this is first rate entertainment we have going on here! =)

It made me think about seasons of waiting and what we do with and in them. I feel like in many areas of life we are in seasons of waiting. Some have a specific timeline and some are unknown. 

Where animals are concerned, chickens are just the beginning. If we are talking long term dreams here they would also include a milk cow, a few beef cows, maybe some pigs and who knows what else will be added to that list! Eventually we want to buy some land and head that direction, but it is simply not the season for that right now. I used to think that "waiting" was equivalent to "nothing happening", but I feel like that is inaccurate. There are usually steps you can be taking or small goals you can accomplish, even when the big picture is unattainable.

If we think about waiting as a complete standstill it can be hard to keep our dreams and motivation alive. We can easily grow discouraged and frustrated with life. But if we remember that everything has a purpose, even waiting, it helps us keep a good perspective on where we are and where we are going. Then we can identify those little steps that will lead us in the direction of our final goal and find joy, excitement and beauty in the waiting.

So for now we will enjoy having our chickens, gathering fresh eggs every day, and we will keep working in our waiting in all areas of life. I hope that you do the same!

Keep Dreaming!

 

Parenting rant ahead....

This came up in my pinterest feed a little while ago and has been stuck in my head ever since. To be honest I don't agree with it. I get that whoever wrote it was probably trying to give everyone warm fuzzies about a mother's sacrificial love for her children, but for me it has the opposite effect. I feel like these kinds of statements make motherhood seem like this freefall of loosing yourself to guarantee the all important happiness and success of your children. That the moment you have a child you give up your right to dream, to pursue what you are passionate about. That if your world isn't consumed with satisfying your child's wants and desires you are selfish. Destined to be labeled a "bad parent". This might be one reason why moms deal with so much guilt. There is this idea that we need to give our kids perfection. Perfect birthday parties, perfect clothes, perfect opportunities. That we should soften every blow, enroll in every fun event or activity, run ourselves ragged in the name of creating a "perfect childhood".

What if there is no such thing? What if you are actually a better parent when you have an outlet all your own? When you pursue a dream? When you take some time for yourself? What if parenthood was never meant to be all about making a child happy and instead about teaching that child about life? What if being the center of the universe isn't good (not to mention realistic) for anyone, let alone little humans who are already prone towards a self centered attitude.

I personally think that kids need to see their parents passionately pursuing their God given dreams. They need to see that there are things worth fighting for, working hard towards, making sacrifices for. They need to see that excitement and passion for things doesn't just stop when you "grow up". They need to know that God didn't give us our unique personalities and purposes for a short while and then boom they are done. I definitely believe that there are seasons in life, each with there own set of responsibilities, struggles and triumphs. But I don't believe that God takes the time to create us for a purpose only to cut that off when we have children.

And I see the struggle. The passionate dreamer both wanting to have a baby and terrified that it means the end. The end of purpose, passion, and adventure. I for one think God is a better planner than that. I think the children He will give that dreamer will be better off because of her passion, her outlook on life, her love of adventure. The gifts and callings that God gives us in life don't have to compete with our relationships with our children, instead they can enhance them and teach them more than we will ever know.

Keep Dreaming!