Holy

Holy is the Lord God Almighty...

Sometimes sacred ground is standing at your kitchen stove making your one millionth pancake, with sick kids, cancelled plans and a hard week around you.

Sometimes it is in the holding on and sometimes in the letting go.

Sometimes it is in the heartbreak and sometimes it is in the piecing back together.

Sometimes it is in the definite and sometimes in the unknown.

Sometimes it is togetherness and sometimes it is alone.

Holy is the Lord God Almighty. In our mess, in our tears, in our celebration, in our despair, in our hope, in our weakness, in our overcoming. I take comfort in the fact that God is the same, always faithful. He has seen all of my yesterdays and all of my tomorrows; He is stable in a sea of change.

O praise Him, O praise Him,
He is holy, He is holy!

When we praise Him it brings a little heaven to earth. Sacred ground.

Hallelujah, holy, holy
God Almighty, the great I AM
Who is worthy, none beside Thee
God Almighty, the great I AM

This is where battles are fought and won. Where we hear His voice calling our ground sacred. Where He breathes life and direction and peace over our circumstances. Where He strengthens, comforts and brings rest. Where He empowers us with His Spirit to rise up.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul.
I worship Your holy name.

Love

We lit our love candle tonight. A day late due to sick kiddos. We sat around the table after a day of frustration and fighting. A day where everything that could have went wrong seemed to do so. It has been a long week not lacking in disappointments. Why is it when we need love the most it is sometimes the last thing we reach for?

So we sit in the candlelight and read the words. His promises of love and rescue. Words we have memorized. Promises we have clung to when life has broken wide open.

They sink in and I breathe deep for the first time all day. Sometimes we just need the truth of God's love to wrap around our hurting, messy days. To hold us fast and remind us that we are not alone.

So thankful tomorrow is a new day.

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness."
- Lamentations 3:21-23

Hope

Over the past few years I have looked forward to Advent with increasing longing. A time to be still. To slow down and savor life. To remember what God has done and look forward to what He is continuing to do.

So tonight I swept the crumbs off the table. I turned off all of the lights save the Christmas tree and we gathered around. We lit the hope candle and Jeremy read verses from Grandpa Miller's bible. The older two listened intently their faces flickering in the candlelight while Ella alternated between grabbing at the candlesticks and climbing up and down being generally unhelpful. It was beautifully and imperfectly sacred.  

There is something about liturgy that gets to me. The aspects of worship that have been repeated for centuries. Heritage. Generation after generation joining in faith and awe of a God who reached down in a person long ago and continues to reach down today into our very lives.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13

  Hope. Not dependent on who we are or what our circumstances may be but on the unchangeable God. Hope that is secure and steadfast. Hope based on the promises of a God who cannot lie. Hope that cradles you in your worst moments, and gives you confidence in your best. 

Praying that wherever you are tonight you would feel His hope surrounding you. 

The Beauty In Our Scars

Which would you rather? Option A. Watch someone build something awesome from scratch. or Option B. Watch someone take something awful or out of place and transform it into a thing of beauty. There seem to be countless tv shows with this concept. Taking run down homes and redesigning them. Making a cohesive and hopefully delicious meal out of food ingredients that don't belong together. Digging through other people's "junk" to find hidden gems that are worth more than most people would realize. We love shows like this and items that remind us of this concept. Those dings and dents on your antique store find give it "character". Scuffs and scrapes don't matter, they might even make a piece more appealing. We even distress things on purpose! (No judgement here! I have done it before and will certainly do so again!) Furniture, picture frames, you name it we can chalk paint it and sand it in a perfectly imperfect pattern. We want reclaimed wood for our home decor projects. The more weather worn it looks the better. Broken things become better than new. Things that have been discarded and forgotten are rejoiced over as we delight in seeing what new purpose we can give them.

Why is it then that we want our lives to be pristine? Flawless? We don't want dents or scratches. We want that perfectly polished look. When it comes to our lives, the ups and downs mar our smooth surface. They leave us with bumps and bruises. We are damaged along the way. When did that become such a bad thing? A sign of weakness. It should be a sign of strength. A sign that we were knocked down, but we got up and kept moving forward. A sign that we love deeply and grieve deeply. These are things of beauty, not liabilities. Scars tend to be thought of as ugly reminders of pain. Could we look at them and see character instead? Could we see God delighting in our forgotten and discarded mess of broken hearts and broken lives as He gives us new purpose? 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Sometimes you find yourself in a wilderness. You might have wandered off, or maybe God led you there. Sometimes God will lead you out again, but other times you stay in the wilderness and watch Him transform it. 

I might be biased but I think when God takes the shattered pieces of our lives and works a masterpiece it ends up being one million times more beautiful than it could have ever hoped to be in its original form. Then our scars serve to remind us of His unwavering grace, faithfulness and hope. And for that reason I hope they never completely fade. 💗

King James and the English Countryside...

The fear of the Lord tendeth to life:

and he that hath it shall

abide satisfied...

Proverbs 19:23 KJV

This verse has been running circles around my brain the past few weeks. I am not normally a King James girl but I read this verse and the wording stopped me in my tracks."Tendeth to life." "Abide satisfied." It brings to mind tranquility, peace, contentment, purpose (and for some reason a quaint picture of the English countryside.....anyone else, or is that just me? 😂) Something about it sounds so effortless, and yet incredibly intentional. Not to mention appealing! But is it even attainable? Somehow life with three littles doesn't bring thoughts of tranquility to mind. Noisy and chaotic? Now that sounds more familiar. 😏

*Side note, I love digging into word meanings. It helps me to internalize scripture and remember what I have read. Now that you have been warned here is some of what I came up with.

The Hebrew word used for fear in this verse is Yir'ah. In the context of fearing the Lord it's definition is respect, reverence, piety. Honestly I had to look up that last one to find its specific meaning. I had a vague picture in my mind of some super religious, showy, ritualistic way of acting, but according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary piety simply means "devotion to God". 

Tendeth:
1. to watch; to guard; to accompany as an assistant or protector
2. to hold and take care of
3. to be attentive to

Abide:
1. remain

2. continue

3. to dwell

Satisfied:

1. sated

    a. to end (something, such as hunger or curiosity) by providing everything that is required or wanted

Then I like to paraphrase the verse using some of the definitions that I have found. I realize that this isn't necessarily sound theologically (not to mention grammatically), but I find it extremely helpful on a personal level.

Respect, reverence and devotion to God watches over, guards and protects life:
and he that has respect, reverence and devotion to God shall remain, continue and dwell with everything that is required or wanted...

That is just good stuff. It makes me want to curl up in a cozy blanket and take a nap! Sometimes I feel like my daily "to do" list is a mile long. Occasionally, if I am not careful, that will creep over into my relationship with God and I could get stressed out just thinking about all of the things I need to make sure I am doing, or the things I need to stop doing! More fruit of the Spirit, less selfish desires! Focus on raising littles, don't forget about evangelism! Oy vey! Sometimes you just need a verse like this to remind you that the only thing you need on your "to do" list is respect, reverence and devotion to God. If this is your focus, you don't even need a list, it will all naturally flow out of this and this alone. I love that when I am stressed out, tired, and just at the end of me, God always reminds me that I am trying to take responsibility for things that aren't mine to figure out. I don't need to make a million lists, I don't need to come up with that one perfect plan that checks off all of the boxes. I just need to pull myself close to the feet of Christ and let Him handle the rest.

So that is where I am camping out right now and I plan to enjoy it! And you know what? Despite all of the noise it feels pretty darn tranquil! 😉

What are we teaching our children?

I am not talking about the blatant messages, more the subtle undertones. We are all sensitive to certain things. Our values and priorities are shaped by our life and experiences. As parents there are just those things that are important to us that we hope our children really get. It might be kindness, honesty, being faithful in the little things, boldness, or compassion. The list could go on indefinitely.

Where am I going with this? I am glad you asked! The story of Ruth. I know, it seems like a random leap, but stick with me and it will hopefully make sense by the end.

Ruth is one of my all time favorite parts of the Bible. It is such a beautiful story of loss, faithfulness, devotion, provision, redemption, and God's incredible story woven through all of it. So short version here...Naomi, her husband, and their two sons leave Judah due to a famine. They settle in Moab, and then her husband dies. Her sons get married, they live there for about 10 years and then tragedy strikes again, both of her sons die and she is alone in this foreign land. She hears that the famine is over and decides to return to her homeland so she tells her daughter-in-laws to go back to their families. Orpah follows her instruction, but Ruth refuses. She clings to her and vows her life to Naomi and to Naomi's God. I am guessing Ruth may have been a little stubborn because Naomi knew better than to try any further convincing and they journey back to Bethlehem together. Here we have two widows. Life has not been easy, they have faced struggle, disappointment and heartbreak. Naomi even goes so far as to change her name to represent her current state in life. Mara, which means bitter. She says that she left full, but she has come back empty. How many times in life have you felt empty? No strength, no willpower, no hope, no optimism, nothing to offer anyone. Empty. And you don't want to smile and say everything is fine. You want to yell in despair, "Can't you see?! I. Have. Nothing. Left." Thankfully with God that is never the end of the story.

Ruth goes out to work in the fields. It is harvest time and she follows along behind the workers gathering up anything that might have been missed. She is a foreigner. She has no one to watch over her or protect her. She is vulnerable. Enter Boaz. He sees her, asks his workers who she is. Learns how faithful she has been to Naomi and not only tells her to stay in his fields, but tells his men to keep her safe and make sure to leave extra behind for her. He gives protection, provision and overwhelming compassion to a woman he could have overlooked as an outsider. As soon as Naomi hears about this she jumps at the chance to play matchmaker and comes up with a plan. It basically boiled down to this: sneak into the place where Boaz and his workers were sleeping and curl up by Boaz's feet, wait for him to wake up and realize she was there and then do what he says. To Ruth's credit she follows the plan. I think I might have balked just a little. Can you imagine??? It's not like they had nightlights, what if she tripped over someone and woke everyone up? Or what if she laid down at the wrong person's feet? That could get awkward pretty fast. She was basically asking him to marry her. Talk about putting yourself out there! Thankfully God was writing the story so none of my what if's are relevant. I am simplifying a bit, but she finds the right guy, he accepts her proposal, they end up getting married and Ruth finds herself right in the middle of the lineage of Christ! Seriously?!?! It blows me away every time! This woman, a foreigner, widowed, vulnerable, trusted in a God she wasn't raised to know and He changed her story.

So yay, that's awesome, right?! But what does it have to do with teaching our children? Here is what gets me so excited. God weaves lives together to bring about His purposes and He sets things in motion sometimes years in advance which is easy for Him since He sees the big picture. Y'all probably already know this but I realized it about 10ish years ago and it blew me away. Do you know who Boaz's mother was? Rahab. As in the harlot who hid the spies in Jericho. Who was saved when the walls came down because she believed in the truth of a God she wasn't raised to know. A foreigner, with a shady past. Vulnerable. Sound familiar? Now this is just my speculation here, but I can't help but think that being raised by a father who extended compassion and protection to someone he could have overlooked because of her race and her past and by a mother who had such an intimate knowledge of how God can bring together all the pieces that should never fit and make something beautiful, shaped Boaz as he grew to become the man that God could use in this story.

Our stories are important because they are connected to God's story, and when we give our stories to Him He makes something wonderful. He has put our children with us. Those unique family pairings have the ability to bring Him glory. Our children need us. They need us to show them our stories and most importantly to show them God's story that is woven in the strands of ours. They need to see His fingerprints all over our lives, so they will recognize them all over their lives. So just in case you are wondering today...Never doubt your influence. You are not lacking. You are exactly what your children need. God has given you everything you need for life and that includes parenting.

Keep Dreaming!

Thoughts on divorce...

Y'all I have written and rewritten this post so many times I am loosing track. Divorce is such a touchy subject, especially in the church, and even with firsthand experience it can be hard to know how to talk about it. I will start by sharing this link to a post by Gary Thomas. Coming from a background of emotional and verbal abuse, this is the first blog post I have read on the subject that I completely agree with. I highly encourage you to read it. In my opinion it is well worth your time. As a teaser I will share one of my favorite quotes. 😊


“If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”
 
One thing that my past has taught me is to give grace. You can never judge a situation from the outside. (Last I checked "judge" wasn't in our job description anyway, but I digress.) You don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. That was 100% true in my case. My ex husband was on staff at our church. He thrived on saying and doing things that would make everyone think he had it all together. For the most part we looked like the ideal family and he seemed like the perfect husband and father. My friends would say things like "I wish my husband was more like him." And I would cringe inwardly, thinking they had no idea what he was like at home. Image was everything to him, but you can never keep up an act 24/7 and home was where all the pretenses fell away. He couldn't seem to face his own issues so instead he focused on the failures of others. Namely mine. Anything I did wrong or any weakness I had would reflect badly on him and was therefore unacceptable. What if someone happened to stop by and see our messy house? It would reflect badly on him. Why couldn't I keep the car spotless? If someone looked in it and saw trash they would think we didn't have our lives in order. And when the possible threat to his reputation didn't seem to do the trick he would switch to using love or affection as motivation. "If you just kept the house cleaner, I would love you more." "If you would just do what I want then I would treat you better." Looking back the things he would say to me were so obviously wrong, but when you are years into a controlling and abusive relationship it is hard to see the lies. It wasn't until after he was arrested and I went an entire month without talking to him, without his voice in my head manipulating every word and situation, that I was able to say for the first time "That was wrong. That wasn't love. That was unhealthy."

Let me tell you something. When someone measures your worth based on a clean house or withholds love or affection based on your performance in some area there is something seriously wrong. The moment you make love conditional is the moment that it ceases to be love and instead becomes something ugly and twisted.

I want to be clear, I am not "pro divorce" and at the same time I am not "pro staying together at all costs". With relationships there is no such thing as one solution fits all. I have seen marriages reconciled after infidelity and I have seen them torn apart by infidelity. That is not to say one of those responses is right and the other wrong. There are a million variables that go into each situation and blanket statements will just never fit. A quote that I feel sums it up well is "Every divorce is the result of sin, but not every divorce is sinful."

One thing I do know is that divorce is devastating. Even if it is the right decision. When I think of a myriad of devastating circumstances (death of a loved one, natural disaster, illness) I see the church rallying with incredible compassion and care. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why divorce evokes such a different response.

I think that in general we feel the need to make sure it doesn't look like we are encouraging divorce. Which is why there seems to be a knee jerk reaction to push for reconciliation even without knowing all of the details. Then if divorce is on the horizon we feel like we have to clarify that we don't agree with the decision people are making. "I love you but...you are wrong, this is a mistake, etc."

When I look at Jesus' life and interactions with  people it seems in direct contrast those knee jerk reactions. He never once said to the crowds "I am going to go to Zacheus' house but don't worry I don't agree with his profession." Or "Dear woman at the well, I am going to help you, but first I need you to know that I don't agree with your lifestyle!"  He didn't care what people thought, he just showed up and met needs. He was the epitome of compassion and love.

Jim and Belinda were my small group leaders at the time of my divorce and they gave me the greatest gift. They never once said they thought I was doing the right thing and they never said they thought I was wrong. I didn't take their silence on that topic to mean they agreed or disagreed with my choices. To be honest I didn't care. I didn't need either. What I needed was love and they supplied that without question. They made sure I knew that they hated that I was hurting, that they loved me and were praying for me, and during the times when my ex was becoming more and more unstable they made sure I knew that their home was open if my children and I ever needed a safe place. I will be forever grateful for the ways that they showed up in the darkest season of my life and I will never be able to put into words how much their compassion meant.

This is one of those areas where everything seems to blur. I am not saying truth is relative and I do believe in speaking truth IN LOVE. But sometimes I wonder what is the harm in showing up first with love and compassion and letting God, who sees what is hidden and revealed in every situation sort out the rest? Any thoughts?

Keep Dreaming!

Sometimes the magic is in the mess.

Decorating Christmas cookies is something that I grew up doing with my grandma whenever we were in Wisconsin for Christmas, or they were visiting us. In more recent years it is something that our kids have done with her and I absolutely love that. I used her sugar cookie recipe and for the first time ever I did not over bake them! In a weird way it made me feel like an adult. Thirty-two years old and I have finally mastered sugar cookies! Lol. I am not going to lie, it made me ridiculously happy.

So yesterday afternoon we invited a few friends over to decorate those Christmas cookies. The kids lasted for about 15 minutes and then they ran off to play and left the adults to decorate. Every so often one of them would return to decorate another cookie or two and then run off to play again. Then as soon as it was time to get ready to go they flooded the table again to speed decorate as many as they could in those final moments. It was loud, messy, chaotic, and absolutely perfect. My table looked like a whirlwind had swept through. There were sprinkles, chocolate chips and mini m&ms strewn about gobs of icing. I am so glad I took before and after shots, because I find the contrast incredibly delightful.

I looked around in the middle of it all and came to a realization that I am struggling to accurately put into words. One of my friends asked me yesterday if I felt like this was home, and without hesitation I responded yes. Truth be told Kansas felt like home to me pretty much from the day we moved. We could not love where we live more and I feel like as a family we settled in quickly and well. But there was something about yesterday. Something about seeing my kids laughing with their friends. Something about friends chatting over coffee, tea and cookies. It was more than having a home here. We have a life here.



I think at times the steps that God asks us to take seem so risky. Are they really? They seem risky because we aren't God. We can't see ahead. We can only see the now, and do we really want to risk what we know on something unknown? That is what I usually ask myself, but if we truly believe that God has good plans for us and that He is always at work in our lives, doesn't it make sense that the things He asks us to do are solid? Secure? What He asks is secure not because of anything we do or see, but because God himself is secure. God is solid, unchanging. I think the question I should be asking myself is "Do I trust that God's hold on me is secure?". If I can answer yes to that one question, everything else fades away. I don't have to see ahead, because the One who holds me does. I don't have to worry about what I do or don't know because I know the One who knows it all.

Out of the many things I am thankful for this season community is definitely towards the top of the list.

Keep Dreaming!

Uncharted Territory

It is midnight and I am wide awake. I have all of the thoughts and yet my words are failing me. I feel like I should write, but nothing of significance comes to mind....  I am dealing with postpartum depression. To be honest I am not quite sure what to do with that. It is hard to define and I would really like some parameters. I find comfort in routine and knowing what to expect, but instead I feel like I am scrambling to keep up in an ever changing game. Before this I knew what to do when I was stressed or anxious. I knew my triggers and managed quite well. I had my go to list - prayer, talking it out, essential oils, reading, watching old movies, etc. I would write. Blog specifically. There was something self validating about putting words out there for others to read. Claiming them as my own. Seeing the value in them. It is freeing.

But this is uncharted territory. Like I told a friend earlier this week it is both interesting and terrifying. I feel at times like a spectator in my own life. Unlike being able to anticipate situations that would trigger stress, depression seems to blindside you in the most random instances. One day you are on top of the world feeling "normal" and the next you are struggling with the simplest tasks. There are times that I think, I am 100% again! Only to realize I haven't showered in three days and the list of text messages and phone calls that need responses are growing longer every day. I have found those are two extremely accurate indicators as to how I am really doing.

I used to have a lot of preconceived ideas about what depression looked like. Some have been accurate in my experience and some not. If I had to condense it into a word I think I would choose overwhelming. Some days it is the big things and some days it is the little things. Some days it looks like dishes in the sink and floors that need swept. Some days it is no contact with the world outside of my little family because having to carry on a conversation with another person just seems too much. Some days it is saying yes to getting out of the house and other days it is staying home and spending a lot of time snuggled up on the couch with the kiddos. And some days it isn't evident at all. I go to church or a ladies night. I spend time chatting with friends. I laugh and carry on. And sometimes I feel uncomfortable because it feels like I am unintentionally living a lie. Unless you are in my life on a daily basis you probably would have no idea. I just need you to know that my laughter isn't forced. My words and smiles are genuine. I love connecting with others. In spite of it all this is truly one of the most joyful seasons of life and I am loving where God has us. There is definitely an ebb and flow to this journey. I am learning to be thankful for the easy days and the hard ones and intentionally looking for the beauty in both.

As Jeremy likes to point out I can be my own worst critic and he has been endlessly speaking truth to me when I forget it. I cannot imagine walking through this season of life without him. He has this knack for seeing me at my worst and yet loving me like I am far beyond my best. I am learning from his example to be kind to myself. Learning that it is ok to circle the wagons and make the world a little smaller from time to time. Learning to say no without feeling guilty. To give grace. To focus on the one next thing when I am getting overwhelmed by All. The. Things. And to look at the big picture when I need some perspective.

To be honest I really didn't want to write about this. Not now anyway. I wanted to eventually when I was past it and it was tied up in a neat little package. I have tried several times to write about other things that are happening in life but to no avail. When I was pregnant with Ella and we were keeping it off of social media I had the same problem. I would start to write about something "unrelated" only to find that my pregnancy had some influence in every part of life. It is the same way with depression. I feel like I can't write about anything else without writing about this first. So here I am. It is a bit scary to invite people into the unknown because you are never quite sure how vulnerable it is going to get. But here is the thing. I want to be invited into your unknown. I want to walk through it with you. I believe we will both be better for it. So here is your formal invitation. Come on in and get comfortable. And remember to keep dreaming because the night is going to come to an end. 

So..........

We are moving to Kansas!!!!! In FOUR days!!! I know, I am on a roll with the shocking posts. Don't feel bad, even the people closest to us only found out around a week and a half ago. When we say this came together quickly we are not joking. Honestly it feels like God was just waiting for us to catch up and once we did He just threw the doors open. 

So the past week and a half has been a crazy whirlwind of packing and last minute get-togethers. We just left a picnic with our church family and I am feeling all sentimental so bear with me. We are beyond excited and at the same time it is so bittersweet. Our time here both individually and together has been an incredible blessing. I feel like I came alive here. Life started over. Beautiful and full of joy. I met and married Jeremy. We found a wonderful church where we have thrived as a family and we will miss them so much! I have so many friendships that have impacted my life over the years and it never ceases to amaze me how God intertwines your story with those around you perfectly in different seasons of life. I am so thankful for the group of women that I have had the privilege to get to know and look forward to continuing those relationships over time even if there is distance involved. 

And let me tell you something about the women I know. They are beautiful. Their stories are phenomenal. They are resilient and strong. Tender and vulnerable. Fierce and courageous. They are real. They speak life and hope and value. They lead by example and live grace and extend love to those around them. They pour themselves out every day for their people. Their worth is beyond measure. 

I wish I had more words but they fail me at the moment. I am overwhelmed by God's grace and so looking forward to this next part of our journey.

Keep Dreaming!!!

 

Joy

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"
Psalm 27:13-14

Have you ever felt like God gave you a specific verse? It is right there in the Bible for anyone to see but somehow it seems to be written only for you? Well these are my verses. In December 2011 everything seemed dark and broken and this was God's promise that He loved me. That He would be faithful to me and my children. That this wasn't where my story would end. That He was going to write something new.

Believe me when I tell you that when God is writing the story it will look nothing like you had planned and yet turn out better than you could have ever dreamed. I didn't plan on lies. I didn't plan on abuse. I didn't plan on unfaithfulness. I didn't plan on divorce. I didn't plan on being a single parent. I didn't plan on meeting Jeremy. I didn't plan to trust. I didn't plan to fall in love. I didn't plan on life being so beautiful that it would take my breath away.

I am so glad that He had a plan.

And every time I look around I am undone by His goodness. I am forever thankful for the journey. The joy and also the pain because God works in both and through both has brought me to this place. When life is hard I look at these verses and remember how tightly He holds me and when the joy threatens to overwhelm I am reminded of grace. In both I am reminded of His goodness in every season.

This is definitely one of those joyous times. Without further ado meet the newest addition to the Chrystie household!

Ella Kate

April 26, 2016

7 lbs. 14 oz.

20 in.

If you are surprised by this news don't worry you didn't miss a big facebook reveal. =) We were actually very intentional about keeping our news off of social media which I am sure seemed a little odd to some and I wanted to try to put our reasoning into words. I feel like so many of the major and personal events in my life have been incredibly public. They have been scrutinized and talked about and (thanks in part to social media) in plain view and open to opinion not just for those who I saw every day but also those who I barely knew. When we found out we were expecting we were ecstatic!!! And all I wanted to do was to keep it quiet. Not in the sense that we didn't tell a soul but in a way that would keep it close and personal. Jeremy, who would likely be quite content as a bona fide hermit, was completely on board with this. So we told our families and close friends and from there we were more than happy to let it spread by word of mouth. It was actually a lot of fun to run into people when I was 34+ weeks along who hadn't even heard that I was pregnant! =) 

Garrett and Shiloh, who had been asking for months when we would have a baby, were over the moon excited at the news! They are at such a fun age and were constantly asking about her, measuring how she was growing, talking to her, etc. Garrett was a little disappointed to find out that we weren't having twins - he wanted a boy and a girl to keep things "fair". But he quickly got over that and switched to simply stating that our next should be a boy. Lol. They have been waiting quite impatiently (let's be real we all have!) for her arrival counting down the months and weeks till her due date which came...and went. Something we weren't expecting since Garrett & Shiloh both came early. Fast forward to 41 weeks, an induction, then an emergency c-section and here she is! Yesterday was a perfect example of both hard and joyful. Ella had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice and due to that wasn't tolerating the contractions. I am so thankful for nurses and doctors who recognized the severity of the situation and took the appropriate measures to keep little miss safe and for God's protection on us all. As intense and frightening as it was in the moment, I sit here snuggling our healthy baby girl and I am again reminded that God always has a plan.

No matter where you and I are in life may we always be looking for His plan and trusting that it is so much more than we could ever imagine.

Keep Dreaming!  

Then The Chrysties Had A Farm E-I-E-I-O...

So maybe farm is a bit of an overstatement but....we have chickens!!!!

Six to be exact. And the kids are sooooo excited! (Let's be honest, Jeremy and I are too!) The weather has been awful lately and the kids have been plastered to our kitchen window for an inordinate amount of time watching the chickens. I am sure that the initial enthusiasm will wear off but for now I am enjoying their excited reactions to the everyday and quite mundane chicken activity. "Mom, one of them fluffed up her feathers!!!" "Hey I saw one of them fly up to the roosting bar!!!" "Look they are scratching the ground and eating the grass!!!" I mean forget cable tv, this is first rate entertainment we have going on here! =)

It made me think about seasons of waiting and what we do with and in them. I feel like in many areas of life we are in seasons of waiting. Some have a specific timeline and some are unknown. 

Where animals are concerned, chickens are just the beginning. If we are talking long term dreams here they would also include a milk cow, a few beef cows, maybe some pigs and who knows what else will be added to that list! Eventually we want to buy some land and head that direction, but it is simply not the season for that right now. I used to think that "waiting" was equivalent to "nothing happening", but I feel like that is inaccurate. There are usually steps you can be taking or small goals you can accomplish, even when the big picture is unattainable.

If we think about waiting as a complete standstill it can be hard to keep our dreams and motivation alive. We can easily grow discouraged and frustrated with life. But if we remember that everything has a purpose, even waiting, it helps us keep a good perspective on where we are and where we are going. Then we can identify those little steps that will lead us in the direction of our final goal and find joy, excitement and beauty in the waiting.

So for now we will enjoy having our chickens, gathering fresh eggs every day, and we will keep working in our waiting in all areas of life. I hope that you do the same!

Keep Dreaming!

 

Parenting rant ahead....

This came up in my pinterest feed a little while ago and has been stuck in my head ever since. To be honest I don't agree with it. I get that whoever wrote it was probably trying to give everyone warm fuzzies about a mother's sacrificial love for her children, but for me it has the opposite effect. I feel like these kinds of statements make motherhood seem like this freefall of loosing yourself to guarantee the all important happiness and success of your children. That the moment you have a child you give up your right to dream, to pursue what you are passionate about. That if your world isn't consumed with satisfying your child's wants and desires you are selfish. Destined to be labeled a "bad parent". This might be one reason why moms deal with so much guilt. There is this idea that we need to give our kids perfection. Perfect birthday parties, perfect clothes, perfect opportunities. That we should soften every blow, enroll in every fun event or activity, run ourselves ragged in the name of creating a "perfect childhood".

What if there is no such thing? What if you are actually a better parent when you have an outlet all your own? When you pursue a dream? When you take some time for yourself? What if parenthood was never meant to be all about making a child happy and instead about teaching that child about life? What if being the center of the universe isn't good (not to mention realistic) for anyone, let alone little humans who are already prone towards a self centered attitude.

I personally think that kids need to see their parents passionately pursuing their God given dreams. They need to see that there are things worth fighting for, working hard towards, making sacrifices for. They need to see that excitement and passion for things doesn't just stop when you "grow up". They need to know that God didn't give us our unique personalities and purposes for a short while and then boom they are done. I definitely believe that there are seasons in life, each with there own set of responsibilities, struggles and triumphs. But I don't believe that God takes the time to create us for a purpose only to cut that off when we have children.

And I see the struggle. The passionate dreamer both wanting to have a baby and terrified that it means the end. The end of purpose, passion, and adventure. I for one think God is a better planner than that. I think the children He will give that dreamer will be better off because of her passion, her outlook on life, her love of adventure. The gifts and callings that God gives us in life don't have to compete with our relationships with our children, instead they can enhance them and teach them more than we will ever know.

Keep Dreaming!

Thoughts On Homeschooling - Vol. 1

Soooo....it has been a while! =) It seemed like we hit November and then everything blurred and before I knew it we were solidly into 2016! November-January tends to feel like our busiest season with both of the kiddos and myself having birthdays on top of the normal Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities. We traveled to visit family for Christmas which was a wonderfully long and relaxing break and then jumped back into school when we returned. We are on our second year of homeschooling (woohoo!!!) and in the past month-ish I have had several conversations with different people about this topic which have really made me reflect on our ongoing journey.

In my opinion there is no "one size fits all" education. I know families with kids in public school, private school, homeschool or some combination of those options. And guess what? They are all doing just fine! =) I am a firm supporter of "do whatever works for your family". What is perfect for one family won't necessarily work for another. Some kids blossom in a more social setting while others thrive with one on one instruction. Parenting in general seems to be polarized with a "my way" vs. "your way" philosophy drawing lines on opposite sides of the field and educational choices are sometimes no different. How about we take a moment to acknowledge that just like every person is unique every family combination is as well. Then we can all just cheer each other on in the pursuit of things that really matter instead of getting caught up in trivial differences! 

That being said I want to chat about homeschooling since that is where we are right now. =) It is such a good fit for our family and we are loving it! The flexible schedule, incredibly small class sizes (lol), and time together as a family are definitely in the plus column but I think one of our favorite things about homeschooling is that you have the ability to personalize it to your child(ren). It goes beyond their basic interests and into their learning styles, strengths and weaknesses, individual personalities, etc. Say they are breezing through a subject and are completely bored - feel free to give them something more challenging.  If they are struggling in an area - no problem! Simply hang out there for a little while longer till they are confident with it. I. Love. This. Does that mean that our school experience is all sunshine and butterflies and our kids jump out of bed each day with a smile begging to start their work? Not at all!!! We have our frustrating days (sometimes weeks!). There are times when things aren't working and we have to reevaluate to find a better fit. Bottom line though is that this journey it is completely worth it and has proven to be a great fit for our family!

Honestly I could probably talk all day about the things we love about homeschooling but then this would get a little long...

So here is my official plug for homeschooling! ;) If you are happy with your current school options then carry on and enjoy it! But if you are interested in homeschooling at all, if you think it would be beneficial for your family/child, if you..........................(fill in the blank with your personal reason here). DO. IT. Or at least seriously look into it! =) Don't talk yourself out of it, don't disqualify yourself in your mind before you even start, don't let yourself get overwhelmed! Can it feel like a really big deal to be responsible for your child's education? Absolutely! But you aren't alone. There are so many great resources, groups, curriculum options, etc. out there right now. Take a breath and go one step, one decision at a time.

Keep Dreaming!

Dreams are worth the risk.

So a friend sent me a link to this song today. And it broke me. Completely undone. It was one of those moments where God shines this spotlight on where you have been and where He has brought you. And there is such a contrast that the sheer blessing of it overwhelms.

You guys a few years ago I choose a path that so many people discouraged me from. It was the hardest most brutal thing I have ever done. I couldn't see the outcome and the only thing I was sure of was that God was walking it with me. I had to take back ground that I had lost and ground that I had never had in the first place. It was a battle, but I found life.

One thing I know about life is that there are no guarantees. It can be beautiful in joy, terrifying in pain and every possible step in between. And there are times when the only thing to do is to let go. Of everything we thought and pictured and dreamed. And stand with our empty hands, breaking hearts and shattered lives; trusting that the God who creates beauty from ashes and joy from sorrow is at work to fill those empty places.

I also know that God gives dreams again. Some He will resurrect from the fire while some will be brand new, unexpected and almost scary in their possibilities. Let yourself dream. Don't hide them away because you know what it is like to lose them and you think the only way to really keep them is to push them deep down. Dreams are gifts. They are meant to be shared, encouraged, kept alive. I read somewhere once that "Bravery is daring to dream on the other side of great loss." When everything feels fragile and so very breakable. For me dreaming is the difference between simply surviving and truly living. I have done both and if I can convince you of one thing let it be that dreams are worth the risk. 

I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone later this week. To be honest, it scares me and I needed this reminder today. I needed to remember what God has done. His faithfulness to me in every circumstance I have ever faced. That He has placed me right here, right now, for a reason. To remember other scary steps I have taken and the grace and beauty He has poured out as a result. Maybe you need to look back and remember today as well. Or maybe you are in the middle of it all and you need to look forward and dream. Either way I am praying for you!

Keep Dreaming!

Don't look away

I have been trying to write this post for over a week now but the words just keep getting stuck. Stuck in the place with all of the emotions.

Sometimes it feels as though the entire world is mourning something. Like every direction you look you can see the outpouring of grief. It is almost tangible. You can see it around the world, in your country, across town and down the street. Broken dreams, devastation, loss, heartbreak, terror, the list seems unending. There are days all you see is the rough and jagged edges of life that splintered and broke in seemingly unimaginable ways. It might be your life, the life of a close friend or family member, or the life of a stranger splayed out across the internet for anyone to see. It is evident in blank looks, angry glares, passionate outbursts, shutting down, silent tears or desperate wails.

Those are the days that weigh down with their heaviness. The days of whispered prayers because you simply can't speak any louder. The days where you fight for the glimmer of hope. You put one foot in front of the other and push forward. Through the confusion and questions. Through the tears. On those days I am tempted to close my eyes. To take every distraction. To simply not see. There is too much that I cannot fix and it is overwhelming. But if we refuse to look at pain whether our own or someone else's, we disconnect when we need desperately to engage. To engage in community, in relationship, in prayer, in love.

I used to think that if my contribution wouldn't be enough to make a noticeable change then it wasn't worth anything, but I have since changed my mind. At the end of the day I would rather have done something, anything, than nothing at all. Sometimes that looks like a phone call, a text message or a hug. A donation to the people with boots on the ground to meet a physical need on the other side of the world. No matter what it always means prayer. To the God who sees all and knows all. Yesterday our pastor was talking about the time period just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and he said something that I have heard before but just hit where I was right now. That Jesus saw their pain. He was moved by their grief. He joined them in their sorrow. I am comforted by the fact that we serve a God who seems to cradle us the gentlest when we are at our most broken. Who doesn't lack compassion but instead sees our pain. And although there are so many times I wish He would simply erase the pain it is a precious thing that He walks so closely beside us through it.

My former small group leaders, Sam and Grace, are walking through a valley right now, long and dark. The loss of a precious child. And they are sharing that valley. Not on the other side when life is patched together, but in real time where honesty is the only option. It is incredibly brave to bare your soul at your breaking point. When everything is a raw and gaping wound. To be real about your pain and to allow others to respond about theirs in the hopes that understanding and healing can spread between words and hearts and lives. You can read Grace's beautifully honest words here and please be praying for them.

As people who have a promise of hope and peace in the midst of great storms we need to see. Don't turn away. Don't close your eyes. Simply do what you can, where you are, with what God has given you. You might not always see a noticeable change in the situation, but it will always change your heart. Sometimes I think that is half the point.

Keep Dreaming!

Don't let the wolves in!

My world is quiet. It is the end of the day and the house is still.  And I find myself craving the busy. The noise. The distraction. It has been a long week (aka three weeks) and I don't want to look back. I don't want to dig deep and analyze my feelings. I don't want to ask myself what has been going on beneath the surface. Because I know what is going on. I am hiding. It is evident by the stack of dishes beside my sink, the to do list left untouched and the type of clothes I have been choosing to put on each day. I pull out items based on emotion. That favorite shirt that has warm and comforting memories attached to it, the insanely comfortable "travel pants" that I am wearing at this exact moment, the loose t-shirts that I can pull on as though I am pulling a shield over my very self.

There are times when you feel the accusations everywhere you look. When the guilt threatens to choke the very joy out of you. If you could only be more, do more, say more, finish that project, organize that room, keep everything clean, be a better parent/wife/friend/etc. And let me tell you all of the distractions in the world won't help one bit. Ignoring just makes the monster bigger. The only way to kill the monster is to face it.

So you open your mouth and the words spill out. Messy and painful and disappointed. And with each word the emotions lessen and you see the monster for what it is - the attempt of an enemy who has already been beaten to distract you, belittle you, derail you.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In my dream it was nighttime and I was in the living room of a house. I could sense that something was wrong or there was danger of some sort because I was checking the locks and looking out the windows. That is when I saw it bounding down the sidewalk towards the house, a massive wolf. Ferocious in the moonlight and the shadows. Without slowing it turned up the walk, bounded onto the porch and straight towards the front door. The only thought I had in my mind was this lock will never hold. And I was right. As I ran to brace the door with my hands it burst open and the wolf stood snarling mere feet away from me. I woke up with the words "Don't let the wolf in!" running through my head.

After the adrenaline faded (my dreams tend to be very vivid and lifelike), I of course started analyzing. My initial tendency is to take things literally so I immediately thought about guarding against a physical threat. But in hindsight I feel like this was spiritual. I also think that in focusing on the literal, I left the important things wide open and unprotected.

Every time that we let a negative thought run freely through our mind we are letting a wolf in. Every guilt trip (self-imposed or otherwise) that we give value to, every list of our shortcomings and past failures, every "I should have....", "if only I was...."  speech that we give ourselves, is a wolf. Ferocious, snarling and ready to tear us apart .

We have got to understand the importance of guarding our minds and our hearts!  We need to realize that there is a fight going on and we need to be vigilant about protecting our territory. Our homes, our relationships, our dreams and God given purpose. We need to be fighting for those things. They are worth every effort! We need to be in the word, in prayer and in community. Friends you and I can never fortify our "homes" enough. We can never guard every angle or protect every blind spot. Not alone anyway. We were never meant to do life alone. We need community. We need people to have our backs while we in turn have theirs.

So when you find yourself in the place of guilt and accusations, don't make the mistake of thinking you are alone. Find one of your people and let the words out. Listen to the truth that God speaks over you. Install deadbolts and solid steel doors on your "house" and fight for those things in life that are worth the battle! And if you happen to see someone else struggling in that place fight for them! Listen with grace to their words and be a truth speaker to remind them of how precious they are to God. I know I talk a lot about speaking truth, but it is hands down the best way to combat the lies. This past week in particular my husband and a dear friend spoke truth to me when I needed it and it breathed absolute life into me. Just as every lie is a wolf, every truth is a piece of armor. Build your armor and the armor of your people so thick that the wolves don't stand a chance.

Keep Dreaming!

Be Vulnerable. The End.

Ok folks....it has been about a month since I last posted on here. I feel like I spilled my heart and soul onto a page, hit publish, and then ran away like a scared little kid. It was surely too much, I was surely too much. Too much honesty, too much emotion, too raw, too messy....bottom line too vulnerable. That's the main issue right there. Vulnerable. It feels vulnerable to put words to your heart and soul when we are conditioned to guard and protect it. To keep it hidden and therefore "safe". But hidden is also where things can get smothered or forgotten or reasoned away.

You know what the funny thing was? Out of all of my posts that one got the most feedback. The one that scared me the most was the one that people seemed to connect with. What is it about seeing the raw in others that makes us want to respond? That gives permission for us to be vulnerable in return? What do you think would happen if we all took the time to do something vulnerable that scared us? Think about that a minute. Out of the million and one inspirational quotes we could insert here "Be the change you want to see in the world." is the only one that comes to mind at the moment so we are just going to roll with it! =) We don't get through life without hitting any rough patches. We know well the hard and the shattered places. In a world of broken and hurting people it is time for us as women to stand up bravely in our vulnerable spots and allow others to respond in the same. That is where God's grace will pour into every situation, where true healing can happen and where we get the incredible opportunity to link arms with our sisters and stand together! I am a firm believer that no one can truly thrive in this journey alone. We can survive, yes, but God has a whole different world in mind for us beyond simply surviving.  

Y'all God is doing things in my heart and life right now. Stirring longings for community and authenticity in relationships like never before and here's the deal - I know I am not alone in this. I have talked to women who are in this same boat. Women who love those real connections, who love encouraging other women, or who have no idea what that reality would feel like but still desperately long for it. So here is my challenge to you. Put yourself out there with me for a minute by commenting either here on this blog, on the facebook or instagram links, or in a private message. It can be one word or one hundred words, but answer one of these questions - What is one area where you feel vulnerable? What is one dream is God asking you to believe in? What is one step He is asking you to take in faith?

And stay tuned for pics and stories from our Montana trip, detours and all! ;)

Keep Dreaming!

Clay Dinosaurs

I sit on my yellow glider listening to the roaring noises drifting out through the windows. They are making dinosaurs out of colored clay at the table. They laugh at each others outrageous noises and silly dialogues. The giggles are purely contagious and time freezes and all I want is to keep this moment forever.

When does it change? At what moment do they "grow up" and loose this carefree, wide-eyed, innocence about life? It seems like an odd kind of countdown and I just want to press the time back and stop that moment from ever happening. I want them to dream every day of their life in the childlike perspective where everything is possible.

Garrett tells me what he is going to be when he grows up on an almost daily basis. So far he has covered everything from astronaut to firefighter to circus performer. Without a doubt in his mind that all he needs to do is simply choose and it will happen. I never want him to start stuffing those dreams down deep inside because they are "unrealistic", "unconventional" or "unlikely". Do I think he will end up rocketing to the moon? Not at all. That isn't the point. The point is that dreams will change over time, the important thing is to keep dreaming. Because when you stop dreaming it isn't only the wild and crazy dreams that you dismiss. The little, one-step-outside-your-box, what-would-people-think dreams usually get tossed out too.

And this emphasis on looking the part has started early with Shiloh. Even with as careful as I am to not define beauty as something you put on or dress up it seeps in. In the process of getting ready for church the other day Shiloh said to me "I have a dress on and now people will think I am beautiful. Can I wear a necklace to church it will make me look beautiful." And I cup her face and look her straight in the eyes and tell her that nothing is more beautiful than when she is simply Shiloh. And I want her to hear me that it doesn't matter what she wears or how she accessorizes, what makes her truly beautiful is her heart, her smile, the way that she laughs out loud when she finds something funny, how she dances to her own rhythm and is unconsciously humming all the time while she flits through the day in her own little world.

And I feel like I am raw emotion spilling everywhere and this season of life is so tender and special to me. I feel like I am on this journey of finding myself for the first time in my adult life and it is changing how I see God and how I feel God sees me and it is this beautiful, precious mess that I wouldn't trade for anything.

And I wish I could just sit in your life and hear your heart. Your successes and your failures. What makes you laugh and what makes you cry. Your story. This life you are bravely walking out every day even when it is hard and doesn't seem to make a difference. I want to cup your face look you straight in the eye and tell you that what makes you beautiful is you being unashamedly yourself. Thriving as the person that God created you to be. To tell you that it is time to start dreaming again. That your unique dreams have worth and value just like you do. To tell you not to give up.

Can we agree that life is just better with those kind of moments in them and then make it a priority to be that encourager for another woman in our circle? Guys, life can wear you down and it is so easy to get discouraged and just plain tired. We need to be speaking truth to our people just like we need our people to be speaking truth to us and we need to believe in dreams, both our own and our people's.

Keep Dreaming!

"All that matters is that we're going..."

"We're almost there, but nowhere near it. All that matters is that we're going." - Gilmore Girls

This is one of my favorite quotes (from one of the best shows ever!) and it perfectly describes how I feel in this season of life. It is an odd muddle of dreams, discovery, change, routine, planning and waiting.

Today marks two weeks on our Seven journey!!! I am going to be honest, I didn't struggle with cravings very much the first week and I was actually naive enough to think that would continue...yeah right! Lol. The half-yelled words: "I just want the biggest brownie in the world right now!!!!!" may have come out of my mouth this week.... I have also come to realize that I owe avocados a serious apology for the many times over the years that I called them names or thought horrible thoughts about them! What was I thinking?!?!

So far Seven is both exactly what I was expecting and nothing like I was expecting all at the same time. It is in that limbo between expectation and reality that I find the grace of God. The grace that pries into parts of my heart that I wasn't anticipating. The grace that steadies frayed emotions and ushers in the deep rooted peace that I am so in need of. The grace to see the imperfect progress. The grace to trust God when the plan is unclear.

I used to run from those in between moments. They seemed uncertain and unsteady when I wanted something firm to grab hold of. But I find that incredible things happen when I embrace those times. When I sit down, breathe deep and still my heart. When I see it as an invitation to draw close to the person of Christ instead of searching for that next step down the path. That is when heart work happens.

Because bottom line, it isn't really about specific foods, or clothes, or possessions. It is about our hearts. It is about intention and attitudes and whether or not we are willing to give God everything and hold nothing back. No secret place that He isn't allowed to mess with, no items that we refuse to hand over. And would our lives look different if we intentionally set aside time every day to come to Him, hands open and trust Him to give us what we need and strip us of what we don't? I know the automatic thought pattern would be "Yes of course I can trust Him. He is God. And I want Him to do what He wants with my life." But in reality it is a struggle. I come before Him yes, but with my hands clenched tightly around those things that in my limited view seem necessary. I need them. What would I do without them? I am scared to loosen my grip because that seems to be a sure way to loose those things that I hold dear. As though the moment I offer them to God they will be whisked away never to be seen again. I picture God looking at me the way I look at my children sometimes. As I see more of the picture than they do, the things that they choose to be concerned about tend to put a smile on my face. I shake my head thinking to myself If they only knew how minor this is in the grand scheme of their life. or Two weeks from now this won't even matter. I feel like He probably has those exact thoughts towards me, and yet He patiently waits for me to open my hands to Him.

So. Incredibly. Thankful.

Wherever you find yourself today, take a few moments to be still. To draw close to Christ. To offer yourself. To open hands that you might have clenched. To voice those dreams that seem to precious and fragile to even speak. To simply be.

Keep Dreaming!