The Beauty In Our Scars

Which would you rather? Option A. Watch someone build something awesome from scratch. or Option B. Watch someone take something awful or out of place and transform it into a thing of beauty. There seem to be countless tv shows with this concept. Taking run down homes and redesigning them. Making a cohesive and hopefully delicious meal out of food ingredients that don't belong together. Digging through other people's "junk" to find hidden gems that are worth more than most people would realize. We love shows like this and items that remind us of this concept. Those dings and dents on your antique store find give it "character". Scuffs and scrapes don't matter, they might even make a piece more appealing. We even distress things on purpose! (No judgement here! I have done it before and will certainly do so again!) Furniture, picture frames, you name it we can chalk paint it and sand it in a perfectly imperfect pattern. We want reclaimed wood for our home decor projects. The more weather worn it looks the better. Broken things become better than new. Things that have been discarded and forgotten are rejoiced over as we delight in seeing what new purpose we can give them.

Why is it then that we want our lives to be pristine? Flawless? We don't want dents or scratches. We want that perfectly polished look. When it comes to our lives, the ups and downs mar our smooth surface. They leave us with bumps and bruises. We are damaged along the way. When did that become such a bad thing? A sign of weakness. It should be a sign of strength. A sign that we were knocked down, but we got up and kept moving forward. A sign that we love deeply and grieve deeply. These are things of beauty, not liabilities. Scars tend to be thought of as ugly reminders of pain. Could we look at them and see character instead? Could we see God delighting in our forgotten and discarded mess of broken hearts and broken lives as He gives us new purpose? 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Sometimes you find yourself in a wilderness. You might have wandered off, or maybe God led you there. Sometimes God will lead you out again, but other times you stay in the wilderness and watch Him transform it. 

I might be biased but I think when God takes the shattered pieces of our lives and works a masterpiece it ends up being one million times more beautiful than it could have ever hoped to be in its original form. Then our scars serve to remind us of His unwavering grace, faithfulness and hope. And for that reason I hope they never completely fade. 💗

King James and the English Countryside...

The fear of the Lord tendeth to life:

and he that hath it shall

abide satisfied...

Proverbs 19:23 KJV

This verse has been running circles around my brain the past few weeks. I am not normally a King James girl but I read this verse and the wording stopped me in my tracks."Tendeth to life." "Abide satisfied." It brings to mind tranquility, peace, contentment, purpose (and for some reason a quaint picture of the English countryside.....anyone else, or is that just me? 😂) Something about it sounds so effortless, and yet incredibly intentional. Not to mention appealing! But is it even attainable? Somehow life with three littles doesn't bring thoughts of tranquility to mind. Noisy and chaotic? Now that sounds more familiar. 😏

*Side note, I love digging into word meanings. It helps me to internalize scripture and remember what I have read. Now that you have been warned here is some of what I came up with.

The Hebrew word used for fear in this verse is Yir'ah. In the context of fearing the Lord it's definition is respect, reverence, piety. Honestly I had to look up that last one to find its specific meaning. I had a vague picture in my mind of some super religious, showy, ritualistic way of acting, but according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary piety simply means "devotion to God". 

Tendeth:
1. to watch; to guard; to accompany as an assistant or protector
2. to hold and take care of
3. to be attentive to

Abide:
1. remain

2. continue

3. to dwell

Satisfied:

1. sated

    a. to end (something, such as hunger or curiosity) by providing everything that is required or wanted

Then I like to paraphrase the verse using some of the definitions that I have found. I realize that this isn't necessarily sound theologically (not to mention grammatically), but I find it extremely helpful on a personal level.

Respect, reverence and devotion to God watches over, guards and protects life:
and he that has respect, reverence and devotion to God shall remain, continue and dwell with everything that is required or wanted...

That is just good stuff. It makes me want to curl up in a cozy blanket and take a nap! Sometimes I feel like my daily "to do" list is a mile long. Occasionally, if I am not careful, that will creep over into my relationship with God and I could get stressed out just thinking about all of the things I need to make sure I am doing, or the things I need to stop doing! More fruit of the Spirit, less selfish desires! Focus on raising littles, don't forget about evangelism! Oy vey! Sometimes you just need a verse like this to remind you that the only thing you need on your "to do" list is respect, reverence and devotion to God. If this is your focus, you don't even need a list, it will all naturally flow out of this and this alone. I love that when I am stressed out, tired, and just at the end of me, God always reminds me that I am trying to take responsibility for things that aren't mine to figure out. I don't need to make a million lists, I don't need to come up with that one perfect plan that checks off all of the boxes. I just need to pull myself close to the feet of Christ and let Him handle the rest.

So that is where I am camping out right now and I plan to enjoy it! And you know what? Despite all of the noise it feels pretty darn tranquil! 😉

What are we teaching our children?

I am not talking about the blatant messages, more the subtle undertones. We are all sensitive to certain things. Our values and priorities are shaped by our life and experiences. As parents there are just those things that are important to us that we hope our children really get. It might be kindness, honesty, being faithful in the little things, boldness, or compassion. The list could go on indefinitely.

Where am I going with this? I am glad you asked! The story of Ruth. I know, it seems like a random leap, but stick with me and it will hopefully make sense by the end.

Ruth is one of my all time favorite parts of the Bible. It is such a beautiful story of loss, faithfulness, devotion, provision, redemption, and God's incredible story woven through all of it. So short version here...Naomi, her husband, and their two sons leave Judah due to a famine. They settle in Moab, and then her husband dies. Her sons get married, they live there for about 10 years and then tragedy strikes again, both of her sons die and she is alone in this foreign land. She hears that the famine is over and decides to return to her homeland so she tells her daughter-in-laws to go back to their families. Orpah follows her instruction, but Ruth refuses. She clings to her and vows her life to Naomi and to Naomi's God. I am guessing Ruth may have been a little stubborn because Naomi knew better than to try any further convincing and they journey back to Bethlehem together. Here we have two widows. Life has not been easy, they have faced struggle, disappointment and heartbreak. Naomi even goes so far as to change her name to represent her current state in life. Mara, which means bitter. She says that she left full, but she has come back empty. How many times in life have you felt empty? No strength, no willpower, no hope, no optimism, nothing to offer anyone. Empty. And you don't want to smile and say everything is fine. You want to yell in despair, "Can't you see?! I. Have. Nothing. Left." Thankfully with God that is never the end of the story.

Ruth goes out to work in the fields. It is harvest time and she follows along behind the workers gathering up anything that might have been missed. She is a foreigner. She has no one to watch over her or protect her. She is vulnerable. Enter Boaz. He sees her, asks his workers who she is. Learns how faithful she has been to Naomi and not only tells her to stay in his fields, but tells his men to keep her safe and make sure to leave extra behind for her. He gives protection, provision and overwhelming compassion to a woman he could have overlooked as an outsider. As soon as Naomi hears about this she jumps at the chance to play matchmaker and comes up with a plan. It basically boiled down to this: sneak into the place where Boaz and his workers were sleeping and curl up by Boaz's feet, wait for him to wake up and realize she was there and then do what he says. To Ruth's credit she follows the plan. I think I might have balked just a little. Can you imagine??? It's not like they had nightlights, what if she tripped over someone and woke everyone up? Or what if she laid down at the wrong person's feet? That could get awkward pretty fast. She was basically asking him to marry her. Talk about putting yourself out there! Thankfully God was writing the story so none of my what if's are relevant. I am simplifying a bit, but she finds the right guy, he accepts her proposal, they end up getting married and Ruth finds herself right in the middle of the lineage of Christ! Seriously?!?! It blows me away every time! This woman, a foreigner, widowed, vulnerable, trusted in a God she wasn't raised to know and He changed her story.

So yay, that's awesome, right?! But what does it have to do with teaching our children? Here is what gets me so excited. God weaves lives together to bring about His purposes and He sets things in motion sometimes years in advance which is easy for Him since He sees the big picture. Y'all probably already know this but I realized it about 10ish years ago and it blew me away. Do you know who Boaz's mother was? Rahab. As in the harlot who hid the spies in Jericho. Who was saved when the walls came down because she believed in the truth of a God she wasn't raised to know. A foreigner, with a shady past. Vulnerable. Sound familiar? Now this is just my speculation here, but I can't help but think that being raised by a father who extended compassion and protection to someone he could have overlooked because of her race and her past and by a mother who had such an intimate knowledge of how God can bring together all the pieces that should never fit and make something beautiful, shaped Boaz as he grew to become the man that God could use in this story.

Our stories are important because they are connected to God's story, and when we give our stories to Him He makes something wonderful. He has put our children with us. Those unique family pairings have the ability to bring Him glory. Our children need us. They need us to show them our stories and most importantly to show them God's story that is woven in the strands of ours. They need to see His fingerprints all over our lives, so they will recognize them all over their lives. So just in case you are wondering today...Never doubt your influence. You are not lacking. You are exactly what your children need. God has given you everything you need for life and that includes parenting.

Keep Dreaming!

Thoughts on divorce...

Y'all I have written and rewritten this post so many times I am loosing track. Divorce is such a touchy subject, especially in the church, and even with firsthand experience it can be hard to know how to talk about it. I will start by sharing this link to a post by Gary Thomas. Coming from a background of emotional and verbal abuse, this is the first blog post I have read on the subject that I completely agree with. I highly encourage you to read it. In my opinion it is well worth your time. As a teaser I will share one of my favorite quotes. 😊


“If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”
 
One thing that my past has taught me is to give grace. You can never judge a situation from the outside. (Last I checked "judge" wasn't in our job description anyway, but I digress.) You don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. That was 100% true in my case. My ex husband was on staff at our church. He thrived on saying and doing things that would make everyone think he had it all together. For the most part we looked like the ideal family and he seemed like the perfect husband and father. My friends would say things like "I wish my husband was more like him." And I would cringe inwardly, thinking they had no idea what he was like at home. Image was everything to him, but you can never keep up an act 24/7 and home was where all the pretenses fell away. He couldn't seem to face his own issues so instead he focused on the failures of others. Namely mine. Anything I did wrong or any weakness I had would reflect badly on him and was therefore unacceptable. What if someone happened to stop by and see our messy house? It would reflect badly on him. Why couldn't I keep the car spotless? If someone looked in it and saw trash they would think we didn't have our lives in order. And when the possible threat to his reputation didn't seem to do the trick he would switch to using love or affection as motivation. "If you just kept the house cleaner, I would love you more." "If you would just do what I want then I would treat you better." Looking back the things he would say to me were so obviously wrong, but when you are years into a controlling and abusive relationship it is hard to see the lies. It wasn't until after he was arrested and I went an entire month without talking to him, without his voice in my head manipulating every word and situation, that I was able to say for the first time "That was wrong. That wasn't love. That was unhealthy."

Let me tell you something. When someone measures your worth based on a clean house or withholds love or affection based on your performance in some area there is something seriously wrong. The moment you make love conditional is the moment that it ceases to be love and instead becomes something ugly and twisted.

I want to be clear, I am not "pro divorce" and at the same time I am not "pro staying together at all costs". With relationships there is no such thing as one solution fits all. I have seen marriages reconciled after infidelity and I have seen them torn apart by infidelity. That is not to say one of those responses is right and the other wrong. There are a million variables that go into each situation and blanket statements will just never fit. A quote that I feel sums it up well is "Every divorce is the result of sin, but not every divorce is sinful."

One thing I do know is that divorce is devastating. Even if it is the right decision. When I think of a myriad of devastating circumstances (death of a loved one, natural disaster, illness) I see the church rallying with incredible compassion and care. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why divorce evokes such a different response.

I think that in general we feel the need to make sure it doesn't look like we are encouraging divorce. Which is why there seems to be a knee jerk reaction to push for reconciliation even without knowing all of the details. Then if divorce is on the horizon we feel like we have to clarify that we don't agree with the decision people are making. "I love you but...you are wrong, this is a mistake, etc."

When I look at Jesus' life and interactions with  people it seems in direct contrast those knee jerk reactions. He never once said to the crowds "I am going to go to Zacheus' house but don't worry I don't agree with his profession." Or "Dear woman at the well, I am going to help you, but first I need you to know that I don't agree with your lifestyle!"  He didn't care what people thought, he just showed up and met needs. He was the epitome of compassion and love.

Jim and Belinda were my small group leaders at the time of my divorce and they gave me the greatest gift. They never once said they thought I was doing the right thing and they never said they thought I was wrong. I didn't take their silence on that topic to mean they agreed or disagreed with my choices. To be honest I didn't care. I didn't need either. What I needed was love and they supplied that without question. They made sure I knew that they hated that I was hurting, that they loved me and were praying for me, and during the times when my ex was becoming more and more unstable they made sure I knew that their home was open if my children and I ever needed a safe place. I will be forever grateful for the ways that they showed up in the darkest season of my life and I will never be able to put into words how much their compassion meant.

This is one of those areas where everything seems to blur. I am not saying truth is relative and I do believe in speaking truth IN LOVE. But sometimes I wonder what is the harm in showing up first with love and compassion and letting God, who sees what is hidden and revealed in every situation sort out the rest? Any thoughts?

Keep Dreaming!

Sometimes the magic is in the mess.

Decorating Christmas cookies is something that I grew up doing with my grandma whenever we were in Wisconsin for Christmas, or they were visiting us. In more recent years it is something that our kids have done with her and I absolutely love that. I used her sugar cookie recipe and for the first time ever I did not over bake them! In a weird way it made me feel like an adult. Thirty-two years old and I have finally mastered sugar cookies! Lol. I am not going to lie, it made me ridiculously happy.

So yesterday afternoon we invited a few friends over to decorate those Christmas cookies. The kids lasted for about 15 minutes and then they ran off to play and left the adults to decorate. Every so often one of them would return to decorate another cookie or two and then run off to play again. Then as soon as it was time to get ready to go they flooded the table again to speed decorate as many as they could in those final moments. It was loud, messy, chaotic, and absolutely perfect. My table looked like a whirlwind had swept through. There were sprinkles, chocolate chips and mini m&ms strewn about gobs of icing. I am so glad I took before and after shots, because I find the contrast incredibly delightful.

I looked around in the middle of it all and came to a realization that I am struggling to accurately put into words. One of my friends asked me yesterday if I felt like this was home, and without hesitation I responded yes. Truth be told Kansas felt like home to me pretty much from the day we moved. We could not love where we live more and I feel like as a family we settled in quickly and well. But there was something about yesterday. Something about seeing my kids laughing with their friends. Something about friends chatting over coffee, tea and cookies. It was more than having a home here. We have a life here.



I think at times the steps that God asks us to take seem so risky. Are they really? They seem risky because we aren't God. We can't see ahead. We can only see the now, and do we really want to risk what we know on something unknown? That is what I usually ask myself, but if we truly believe that God has good plans for us and that He is always at work in our lives, doesn't it make sense that the things He asks us to do are solid? Secure? What He asks is secure not because of anything we do or see, but because God himself is secure. God is solid, unchanging. I think the question I should be asking myself is "Do I trust that God's hold on me is secure?". If I can answer yes to that one question, everything else fades away. I don't have to see ahead, because the One who holds me does. I don't have to worry about what I do or don't know because I know the One who knows it all.

Out of the many things I am thankful for this season community is definitely towards the top of the list.

Keep Dreaming!

Uncharted Territory

It is midnight and I am wide awake. I have all of the thoughts and yet my words are failing me. I feel like I should write, but nothing of significance comes to mind....  I am dealing with postpartum depression. To be honest I am not quite sure what to do with that. It is hard to define and I would really like some parameters. I find comfort in routine and knowing what to expect, but instead I feel like I am scrambling to keep up in an ever changing game. Before this I knew what to do when I was stressed or anxious. I knew my triggers and managed quite well. I had my go to list - prayer, talking it out, essential oils, reading, watching old movies, etc. I would write. Blog specifically. There was something self validating about putting words out there for others to read. Claiming them as my own. Seeing the value in them. It is freeing.

But this is uncharted territory. Like I told a friend earlier this week it is both interesting and terrifying. I feel at times like a spectator in my own life. Unlike being able to anticipate situations that would trigger stress, depression seems to blindside you in the most random instances. One day you are on top of the world feeling "normal" and the next you are struggling with the simplest tasks. There are times that I think, I am 100% again! Only to realize I haven't showered in three days and the list of text messages and phone calls that need responses are growing longer every day. I have found those are two extremely accurate indicators as to how I am really doing.

I used to have a lot of preconceived ideas about what depression looked like. Some have been accurate in my experience and some not. If I had to condense it into a word I think I would choose overwhelming. Some days it is the big things and some days it is the little things. Some days it looks like dishes in the sink and floors that need swept. Some days it is no contact with the world outside of my little family because having to carry on a conversation with another person just seems too much. Some days it is saying yes to getting out of the house and other days it is staying home and spending a lot of time snuggled up on the couch with the kiddos. And some days it isn't evident at all. I go to church or a ladies night. I spend time chatting with friends. I laugh and carry on. And sometimes I feel uncomfortable because it feels like I am unintentionally living a lie. Unless you are in my life on a daily basis you probably would have no idea. I just need you to know that my laughter isn't forced. My words and smiles are genuine. I love connecting with others. In spite of it all this is truly one of the most joyful seasons of life and I am loving where God has us. There is definitely an ebb and flow to this journey. I am learning to be thankful for the easy days and the hard ones and intentionally looking for the beauty in both.

As Jeremy likes to point out I can be my own worst critic and he has been endlessly speaking truth to me when I forget it. I cannot imagine walking through this season of life without him. He has this knack for seeing me at my worst and yet loving me like I am far beyond my best. I am learning from his example to be kind to myself. Learning that it is ok to circle the wagons and make the world a little smaller from time to time. Learning to say no without feeling guilty. To give grace. To focus on the one next thing when I am getting overwhelmed by All. The. Things. And to look at the big picture when I need some perspective.

To be honest I really didn't want to write about this. Not now anyway. I wanted to eventually when I was past it and it was tied up in a neat little package. I have tried several times to write about other things that are happening in life but to no avail. When I was pregnant with Ella and we were keeping it off of social media I had the same problem. I would start to write about something "unrelated" only to find that my pregnancy had some influence in every part of life. It is the same way with depression. I feel like I can't write about anything else without writing about this first. So here I am. It is a bit scary to invite people into the unknown because you are never quite sure how vulnerable it is going to get. But here is the thing. I want to be invited into your unknown. I want to walk through it with you. I believe we will both be better for it. So here is your formal invitation. Come on in and get comfortable. And remember to keep dreaming because the night is going to come to an end. 

So..........

We are moving to Kansas!!!!! In FOUR days!!! I know, I am on a roll with the shocking posts. Don't feel bad, even the people closest to us only found out around a week and a half ago. When we say this came together quickly we are not joking. Honestly it feels like God was just waiting for us to catch up and once we did He just threw the doors open. 

So the past week and a half has been a crazy whirlwind of packing and last minute get-togethers. We just left a picnic with our church family and I am feeling all sentimental so bear with me. We are beyond excited and at the same time it is so bittersweet. Our time here both individually and together has been an incredible blessing. I feel like I came alive here. Life started over. Beautiful and full of joy. I met and married Jeremy. We found a wonderful church where we have thrived as a family and we will miss them so much! I have so many friendships that have impacted my life over the years and it never ceases to amaze me how God intertwines your story with those around you perfectly in different seasons of life. I am so thankful for the group of women that I have had the privilege to get to know and look forward to continuing those relationships over time even if there is distance involved. 

And let me tell you something about the women I know. They are beautiful. Their stories are phenomenal. They are resilient and strong. Tender and vulnerable. Fierce and courageous. They are real. They speak life and hope and value. They lead by example and live grace and extend love to those around them. They pour themselves out every day for their people. Their worth is beyond measure. 

I wish I had more words but they fail me at the moment. I am overwhelmed by God's grace and so looking forward to this next part of our journey.

Keep Dreaming!!!