“If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”
One thing that my past has taught me is to give grace. You can never judge a situation from the outside. (Last I checked "judge" wasn't in our job description anyway, but I digress.) You don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. That was 100% true in my case. My ex husband was on staff at our church. He thrived on saying and doing things that would make everyone think he had it all together. For the most part we looked like the ideal family and he seemed like the perfect husband and father. My friends would say things like "I wish my husband was more like him." And I would cringe inwardly, thinking they had no idea what he was like at home. Image was everything to him, but you can never keep up an act 24/7 and home was where all the pretenses fell away. He couldn't seem to face his own issues so instead he focused on the failures of others. Namely mine. Anything I did wrong or any weakness I had would reflect badly on him and was therefore unacceptable. What if someone happened to stop by and see our messy house? It would reflect badly on him. Why couldn't I keep the car spotless? If someone looked in it and saw trash they would think we didn't have our lives in order. And when the possible threat to his reputation didn't seem to do the trick he would switch to using love or affection as motivation. "If you just kept the house cleaner, I would love you more." "If you would just do what I want then I would treat you better." Looking back the things he would say to me were so obviously wrong, but when you are years into a controlling and abusive relationship it is hard to see the lies. It wasn't until after he was arrested and I went an entire month without talking to him, without his voice in my head manipulating every word and situation, that I was able to say for the first time "That was wrong. That wasn't love. That was unhealthy."
Let me tell you something. When someone measures your worth based on a clean house or withholds love or affection based on your performance in some area there is something seriously wrong. The moment you make love conditional is the moment that it ceases to be love and instead becomes something ugly and twisted.
I want to be clear, I am not "pro divorce" and at the same time I am not "pro staying together at all costs". With relationships there is no such thing as one solution fits all. I have seen marriages reconciled after infidelity and I have seen them torn apart by infidelity. That is not to say one of those responses is right and the other wrong. There are a million variables that go into each situation and blanket statements will just never fit. A quote that I feel sums it up well is "Every divorce is the result of sin, but not every divorce is sinful."
One thing I do know is that divorce is devastating. Even if it is the right decision. When I think of a myriad of devastating circumstances (death of a loved one, natural disaster, illness) I see the church rallying with incredible compassion and care. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why divorce evokes such a different response.
I think that in general we feel the need to make sure it doesn't look like we are encouraging divorce. Which is why there seems to be a knee jerk reaction to push for reconciliation even without knowing all of the details. Then if divorce is on the horizon we feel like we have to clarify that we don't agree with the decision people are making. "I love you but...you are wrong, this is a mistake, etc."
Jim and Belinda were my small group leaders at the time of my divorce and they gave me the greatest gift. They never once said they thought I was doing the right thing and they never said they thought I was wrong. I didn't take their silence on that topic to mean they agreed or disagreed with my choices. To be honest I didn't care. I didn't need either. What I needed was love and they supplied that without question. They made sure I knew that they hated that I was hurting, that they loved me and were praying for me, and during the times when my ex was becoming more and more unstable they made sure I knew that their home was open if my children and I ever needed a safe place. I will be forever grateful for the ways that they showed up in the darkest season of my life and I will never be able to put into words how much their compassion meant.
This is one of those areas where everything seems to blur. I am not saying truth is relative and I do believe in speaking truth IN LOVE. But sometimes I wonder what is the harm in showing up first with love and compassion and letting God, who sees what is hidden and revealed in every situation sort out the rest? Any thoughts?
Keep Dreaming!
