It is midnight and I am wide awake. I have all of the thoughts and yet my words are failing me. I feel like I should write, but nothing of significance comes to mind.... I am dealing with postpartum depression. To be honest I am not quite sure what to do with that. It is hard to define and I would really like some parameters. I find comfort in routine and knowing what to expect, but instead I feel like I am scrambling to keep up in an ever changing game. Before this I knew what to do when I was stressed or anxious. I knew my triggers and managed quite well. I had my go to list - prayer, talking it out, essential oils, reading, watching old movies, etc. I would write. Blog specifically. There was something self validating about putting words out there for others to read. Claiming them as my own. Seeing the value in them. It is freeing.
But this is uncharted territory. Like I told a friend earlier this week it is both interesting and terrifying. I feel at times like a spectator in my own life. Unlike being able to anticipate situations that would trigger stress, depression seems to blindside you in the most random instances. One day you are on top of the world feeling "normal" and the next you are struggling with the simplest tasks. There are times that I think, I am 100% again! Only to realize I haven't showered in three days and the list of text messages and phone calls that need responses are growing longer every day. I have found those are two extremely accurate indicators as to how I am really doing.
I used to have a lot of preconceived ideas about what depression looked like. Some have been accurate in my experience and some not. If I had to condense it into a word I think I would choose overwhelming. Some days it is the big things and some days it is the little things. Some days it looks like dishes in the sink and floors that need swept. Some days it is no contact with the world outside of my little family because having to carry on a conversation with another person just seems too much. Some days it is saying yes to getting out of the house and other days it is staying home and spending a lot of time snuggled up on the couch with the kiddos. And some days it isn't evident at all. I go to church or a ladies night. I spend time chatting with friends. I laugh and carry on. And sometimes I feel uncomfortable because it feels like I am unintentionally living a lie. Unless you are in my life on a daily basis you probably would have no idea. I just need you to know that my laughter isn't forced. My words and smiles are genuine. I love connecting with others. In spite of it all this is truly one of the most joyful seasons of life and I am loving where God has us. There is definitely an ebb and flow to this journey. I am learning to be thankful for the easy days and the hard ones and intentionally looking for the beauty in both.
As Jeremy likes to point out I can be my own worst critic and he has been endlessly speaking truth to me when I forget it. I cannot imagine walking through this season of life without him. He has this knack for seeing me at my worst and yet loving me like I am far beyond my best. I am learning from his example to be kind to myself. Learning that it is ok to circle the wagons and make the world a little smaller from time to time. Learning to say no without feeling guilty. To give grace. To focus on the one next thing when I am getting overwhelmed by All. The. Things. And to look at the big picture when I need some perspective.
To be honest I really didn't want to write about this. Not now anyway. I wanted to eventually when I was past it and it was tied up in a neat little package. I have tried several times to write about other things that are happening in life but to no avail. When I was pregnant with Ella and we were keeping it off of social media I had the same problem. I would start to write about something "unrelated" only to find that my pregnancy had some influence in every part of life. It is the same way with depression. I feel like I can't write about anything else without writing about this first. So here I am. It is a bit scary to invite people into the unknown because you are never quite sure how vulnerable it is going to get. But here is the thing. I want to be invited into your unknown. I want to walk through it with you. I believe we will both be better for it. So here is your formal invitation. Come on in and get comfortable. And remember to keep dreaming because the night is going to come to an end.
