Sometimes the magic is in the mess.

Decorating Christmas cookies is something that I grew up doing with my grandma whenever we were in Wisconsin for Christmas, or they were visiting us. In more recent years it is something that our kids have done with her and I absolutely love that. I used her sugar cookie recipe and for the first time ever I did not over bake them! In a weird way it made me feel like an adult. Thirty-two years old and I have finally mastered sugar cookies! Lol. I am not going to lie, it made me ridiculously happy.

So yesterday afternoon we invited a few friends over to decorate those Christmas cookies. The kids lasted for about 15 minutes and then they ran off to play and left the adults to decorate. Every so often one of them would return to decorate another cookie or two and then run off to play again. Then as soon as it was time to get ready to go they flooded the table again to speed decorate as many as they could in those final moments. It was loud, messy, chaotic, and absolutely perfect. My table looked like a whirlwind had swept through. There were sprinkles, chocolate chips and mini m&ms strewn about gobs of icing. I am so glad I took before and after shots, because I find the contrast incredibly delightful.

I looked around in the middle of it all and came to a realization that I am struggling to accurately put into words. One of my friends asked me yesterday if I felt like this was home, and without hesitation I responded yes. Truth be told Kansas felt like home to me pretty much from the day we moved. We could not love where we live more and I feel like as a family we settled in quickly and well. But there was something about yesterday. Something about seeing my kids laughing with their friends. Something about friends chatting over coffee, tea and cookies. It was more than having a home here. We have a life here.



I think at times the steps that God asks us to take seem so risky. Are they really? They seem risky because we aren't God. We can't see ahead. We can only see the now, and do we really want to risk what we know on something unknown? That is what I usually ask myself, but if we truly believe that God has good plans for us and that He is always at work in our lives, doesn't it make sense that the things He asks us to do are solid? Secure? What He asks is secure not because of anything we do or see, but because God himself is secure. God is solid, unchanging. I think the question I should be asking myself is "Do I trust that God's hold on me is secure?". If I can answer yes to that one question, everything else fades away. I don't have to see ahead, because the One who holds me does. I don't have to worry about what I do or don't know because I know the One who knows it all.

Out of the many things I am thankful for this season community is definitely towards the top of the list.

Keep Dreaming!

Uncharted Territory

It is midnight and I am wide awake. I have all of the thoughts and yet my words are failing me. I feel like I should write, but nothing of significance comes to mind....  I am dealing with postpartum depression. To be honest I am not quite sure what to do with that. It is hard to define and I would really like some parameters. I find comfort in routine and knowing what to expect, but instead I feel like I am scrambling to keep up in an ever changing game. Before this I knew what to do when I was stressed or anxious. I knew my triggers and managed quite well. I had my go to list - prayer, talking it out, essential oils, reading, watching old movies, etc. I would write. Blog specifically. There was something self validating about putting words out there for others to read. Claiming them as my own. Seeing the value in them. It is freeing.

But this is uncharted territory. Like I told a friend earlier this week it is both interesting and terrifying. I feel at times like a spectator in my own life. Unlike being able to anticipate situations that would trigger stress, depression seems to blindside you in the most random instances. One day you are on top of the world feeling "normal" and the next you are struggling with the simplest tasks. There are times that I think, I am 100% again! Only to realize I haven't showered in three days and the list of text messages and phone calls that need responses are growing longer every day. I have found those are two extremely accurate indicators as to how I am really doing.

I used to have a lot of preconceived ideas about what depression looked like. Some have been accurate in my experience and some not. If I had to condense it into a word I think I would choose overwhelming. Some days it is the big things and some days it is the little things. Some days it looks like dishes in the sink and floors that need swept. Some days it is no contact with the world outside of my little family because having to carry on a conversation with another person just seems too much. Some days it is saying yes to getting out of the house and other days it is staying home and spending a lot of time snuggled up on the couch with the kiddos. And some days it isn't evident at all. I go to church or a ladies night. I spend time chatting with friends. I laugh and carry on. And sometimes I feel uncomfortable because it feels like I am unintentionally living a lie. Unless you are in my life on a daily basis you probably would have no idea. I just need you to know that my laughter isn't forced. My words and smiles are genuine. I love connecting with others. In spite of it all this is truly one of the most joyful seasons of life and I am loving where God has us. There is definitely an ebb and flow to this journey. I am learning to be thankful for the easy days and the hard ones and intentionally looking for the beauty in both.

As Jeremy likes to point out I can be my own worst critic and he has been endlessly speaking truth to me when I forget it. I cannot imagine walking through this season of life without him. He has this knack for seeing me at my worst and yet loving me like I am far beyond my best. I am learning from his example to be kind to myself. Learning that it is ok to circle the wagons and make the world a little smaller from time to time. Learning to say no without feeling guilty. To give grace. To focus on the one next thing when I am getting overwhelmed by All. The. Things. And to look at the big picture when I need some perspective.

To be honest I really didn't want to write about this. Not now anyway. I wanted to eventually when I was past it and it was tied up in a neat little package. I have tried several times to write about other things that are happening in life but to no avail. When I was pregnant with Ella and we were keeping it off of social media I had the same problem. I would start to write about something "unrelated" only to find that my pregnancy had some influence in every part of life. It is the same way with depression. I feel like I can't write about anything else without writing about this first. So here I am. It is a bit scary to invite people into the unknown because you are never quite sure how vulnerable it is going to get. But here is the thing. I want to be invited into your unknown. I want to walk through it with you. I believe we will both be better for it. So here is your formal invitation. Come on in and get comfortable. And remember to keep dreaming because the night is going to come to an end. 

So..........

We are moving to Kansas!!!!! In FOUR days!!! I know, I am on a roll with the shocking posts. Don't feel bad, even the people closest to us only found out around a week and a half ago. When we say this came together quickly we are not joking. Honestly it feels like God was just waiting for us to catch up and once we did He just threw the doors open. 

So the past week and a half has been a crazy whirlwind of packing and last minute get-togethers. We just left a picnic with our church family and I am feeling all sentimental so bear with me. We are beyond excited and at the same time it is so bittersweet. Our time here both individually and together has been an incredible blessing. I feel like I came alive here. Life started over. Beautiful and full of joy. I met and married Jeremy. We found a wonderful church where we have thrived as a family and we will miss them so much! I have so many friendships that have impacted my life over the years and it never ceases to amaze me how God intertwines your story with those around you perfectly in different seasons of life. I am so thankful for the group of women that I have had the privilege to get to know and look forward to continuing those relationships over time even if there is distance involved. 

And let me tell you something about the women I know. They are beautiful. Their stories are phenomenal. They are resilient and strong. Tender and vulnerable. Fierce and courageous. They are real. They speak life and hope and value. They lead by example and live grace and extend love to those around them. They pour themselves out every day for their people. Their worth is beyond measure. 

I wish I had more words but they fail me at the moment. I am overwhelmed by God's grace and so looking forward to this next part of our journey.

Keep Dreaming!!!

 

Joy

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"
Psalm 27:13-14

Have you ever felt like God gave you a specific verse? It is right there in the Bible for anyone to see but somehow it seems to be written only for you? Well these are my verses. In December 2011 everything seemed dark and broken and this was God's promise that He loved me. That He would be faithful to me and my children. That this wasn't where my story would end. That He was going to write something new.

Believe me when I tell you that when God is writing the story it will look nothing like you had planned and yet turn out better than you could have ever dreamed. I didn't plan on lies. I didn't plan on abuse. I didn't plan on unfaithfulness. I didn't plan on divorce. I didn't plan on being a single parent. I didn't plan on meeting Jeremy. I didn't plan to trust. I didn't plan to fall in love. I didn't plan on life being so beautiful that it would take my breath away.

I am so glad that He had a plan.

And every time I look around I am undone by His goodness. I am forever thankful for the journey. The joy and also the pain because God works in both and through both has brought me to this place. When life is hard I look at these verses and remember how tightly He holds me and when the joy threatens to overwhelm I am reminded of grace. In both I am reminded of His goodness in every season.

This is definitely one of those joyous times. Without further ado meet the newest addition to the Chrystie household!

Ella Kate

April 26, 2016

7 lbs. 14 oz.

20 in.

If you are surprised by this news don't worry you didn't miss a big facebook reveal. =) We were actually very intentional about keeping our news off of social media which I am sure seemed a little odd to some and I wanted to try to put our reasoning into words. I feel like so many of the major and personal events in my life have been incredibly public. They have been scrutinized and talked about and (thanks in part to social media) in plain view and open to opinion not just for those who I saw every day but also those who I barely knew. When we found out we were expecting we were ecstatic!!! And all I wanted to do was to keep it quiet. Not in the sense that we didn't tell a soul but in a way that would keep it close and personal. Jeremy, who would likely be quite content as a bona fide hermit, was completely on board with this. So we told our families and close friends and from there we were more than happy to let it spread by word of mouth. It was actually a lot of fun to run into people when I was 34+ weeks along who hadn't even heard that I was pregnant! =) 

Garrett and Shiloh, who had been asking for months when we would have a baby, were over the moon excited at the news! They are at such a fun age and were constantly asking about her, measuring how she was growing, talking to her, etc. Garrett was a little disappointed to find out that we weren't having twins - he wanted a boy and a girl to keep things "fair". But he quickly got over that and switched to simply stating that our next should be a boy. Lol. They have been waiting quite impatiently (let's be real we all have!) for her arrival counting down the months and weeks till her due date which came...and went. Something we weren't expecting since Garrett & Shiloh both came early. Fast forward to 41 weeks, an induction, then an emergency c-section and here she is! Yesterday was a perfect example of both hard and joyful. Ella had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice and due to that wasn't tolerating the contractions. I am so thankful for nurses and doctors who recognized the severity of the situation and took the appropriate measures to keep little miss safe and for God's protection on us all. As intense and frightening as it was in the moment, I sit here snuggling our healthy baby girl and I am again reminded that God always has a plan.

No matter where you and I are in life may we always be looking for His plan and trusting that it is so much more than we could ever imagine.

Keep Dreaming!  

Then The Chrysties Had A Farm E-I-E-I-O...

So maybe farm is a bit of an overstatement but....we have chickens!!!!

Six to be exact. And the kids are sooooo excited! (Let's be honest, Jeremy and I are too!) The weather has been awful lately and the kids have been plastered to our kitchen window for an inordinate amount of time watching the chickens. I am sure that the initial enthusiasm will wear off but for now I am enjoying their excited reactions to the everyday and quite mundane chicken activity. "Mom, one of them fluffed up her feathers!!!" "Hey I saw one of them fly up to the roosting bar!!!" "Look they are scratching the ground and eating the grass!!!" I mean forget cable tv, this is first rate entertainment we have going on here! =)

It made me think about seasons of waiting and what we do with and in them. I feel like in many areas of life we are in seasons of waiting. Some have a specific timeline and some are unknown. 

Where animals are concerned, chickens are just the beginning. If we are talking long term dreams here they would also include a milk cow, a few beef cows, maybe some pigs and who knows what else will be added to that list! Eventually we want to buy some land and head that direction, but it is simply not the season for that right now. I used to think that "waiting" was equivalent to "nothing happening", but I feel like that is inaccurate. There are usually steps you can be taking or small goals you can accomplish, even when the big picture is unattainable.

If we think about waiting as a complete standstill it can be hard to keep our dreams and motivation alive. We can easily grow discouraged and frustrated with life. But if we remember that everything has a purpose, even waiting, it helps us keep a good perspective on where we are and where we are going. Then we can identify those little steps that will lead us in the direction of our final goal and find joy, excitement and beauty in the waiting.

So for now we will enjoy having our chickens, gathering fresh eggs every day, and we will keep working in our waiting in all areas of life. I hope that you do the same!

Keep Dreaming!

 

Parenting rant ahead....

This came up in my pinterest feed a little while ago and has been stuck in my head ever since. To be honest I don't agree with it. I get that whoever wrote it was probably trying to give everyone warm fuzzies about a mother's sacrificial love for her children, but for me it has the opposite effect. I feel like these kinds of statements make motherhood seem like this freefall of loosing yourself to guarantee the all important happiness and success of your children. That the moment you have a child you give up your right to dream, to pursue what you are passionate about. That if your world isn't consumed with satisfying your child's wants and desires you are selfish. Destined to be labeled a "bad parent". This might be one reason why moms deal with so much guilt. There is this idea that we need to give our kids perfection. Perfect birthday parties, perfect clothes, perfect opportunities. That we should soften every blow, enroll in every fun event or activity, run ourselves ragged in the name of creating a "perfect childhood".

What if there is no such thing? What if you are actually a better parent when you have an outlet all your own? When you pursue a dream? When you take some time for yourself? What if parenthood was never meant to be all about making a child happy and instead about teaching that child about life? What if being the center of the universe isn't good (not to mention realistic) for anyone, let alone little humans who are already prone towards a self centered attitude.

I personally think that kids need to see their parents passionately pursuing their God given dreams. They need to see that there are things worth fighting for, working hard towards, making sacrifices for. They need to see that excitement and passion for things doesn't just stop when you "grow up". They need to know that God didn't give us our unique personalities and purposes for a short while and then boom they are done. I definitely believe that there are seasons in life, each with there own set of responsibilities, struggles and triumphs. But I don't believe that God takes the time to create us for a purpose only to cut that off when we have children.

And I see the struggle. The passionate dreamer both wanting to have a baby and terrified that it means the end. The end of purpose, passion, and adventure. I for one think God is a better planner than that. I think the children He will give that dreamer will be better off because of her passion, her outlook on life, her love of adventure. The gifts and callings that God gives us in life don't have to compete with our relationships with our children, instead they can enhance them and teach them more than we will ever know.

Keep Dreaming!

Thoughts On Homeschooling - Vol. 1

Soooo....it has been a while! =) It seemed like we hit November and then everything blurred and before I knew it we were solidly into 2016! November-January tends to feel like our busiest season with both of the kiddos and myself having birthdays on top of the normal Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities. We traveled to visit family for Christmas which was a wonderfully long and relaxing break and then jumped back into school when we returned. We are on our second year of homeschooling (woohoo!!!) and in the past month-ish I have had several conversations with different people about this topic which have really made me reflect on our ongoing journey.

In my opinion there is no "one size fits all" education. I know families with kids in public school, private school, homeschool or some combination of those options. And guess what? They are all doing just fine! =) I am a firm supporter of "do whatever works for your family". What is perfect for one family won't necessarily work for another. Some kids blossom in a more social setting while others thrive with one on one instruction. Parenting in general seems to be polarized with a "my way" vs. "your way" philosophy drawing lines on opposite sides of the field and educational choices are sometimes no different. How about we take a moment to acknowledge that just like every person is unique every family combination is as well. Then we can all just cheer each other on in the pursuit of things that really matter instead of getting caught up in trivial differences! 

That being said I want to chat about homeschooling since that is where we are right now. =) It is such a good fit for our family and we are loving it! The flexible schedule, incredibly small class sizes (lol), and time together as a family are definitely in the plus column but I think one of our favorite things about homeschooling is that you have the ability to personalize it to your child(ren). It goes beyond their basic interests and into their learning styles, strengths and weaknesses, individual personalities, etc. Say they are breezing through a subject and are completely bored - feel free to give them something more challenging.  If they are struggling in an area - no problem! Simply hang out there for a little while longer till they are confident with it. I. Love. This. Does that mean that our school experience is all sunshine and butterflies and our kids jump out of bed each day with a smile begging to start their work? Not at all!!! We have our frustrating days (sometimes weeks!). There are times when things aren't working and we have to reevaluate to find a better fit. Bottom line though is that this journey it is completely worth it and has proven to be a great fit for our family!

Honestly I could probably talk all day about the things we love about homeschooling but then this would get a little long...

So here is my official plug for homeschooling! ;) If you are happy with your current school options then carry on and enjoy it! But if you are interested in homeschooling at all, if you think it would be beneficial for your family/child, if you..........................(fill in the blank with your personal reason here). DO. IT. Or at least seriously look into it! =) Don't talk yourself out of it, don't disqualify yourself in your mind before you even start, don't let yourself get overwhelmed! Can it feel like a really big deal to be responsible for your child's education? Absolutely! But you aren't alone. There are so many great resources, groups, curriculum options, etc. out there right now. Take a breath and go one step, one decision at a time.

Keep Dreaming!