Don't look away

I have been trying to write this post for over a week now but the words just keep getting stuck. Stuck in the place with all of the emotions.

Sometimes it feels as though the entire world is mourning something. Like every direction you look you can see the outpouring of grief. It is almost tangible. You can see it around the world, in your country, across town and down the street. Broken dreams, devastation, loss, heartbreak, terror, the list seems unending. There are days all you see is the rough and jagged edges of life that splintered and broke in seemingly unimaginable ways. It might be your life, the life of a close friend or family member, or the life of a stranger splayed out across the internet for anyone to see. It is evident in blank looks, angry glares, passionate outbursts, shutting down, silent tears or desperate wails.

Those are the days that weigh down with their heaviness. The days of whispered prayers because you simply can't speak any louder. The days where you fight for the glimmer of hope. You put one foot in front of the other and push forward. Through the confusion and questions. Through the tears. On those days I am tempted to close my eyes. To take every distraction. To simply not see. There is too much that I cannot fix and it is overwhelming. But if we refuse to look at pain whether our own or someone else's, we disconnect when we need desperately to engage. To engage in community, in relationship, in prayer, in love.

I used to think that if my contribution wouldn't be enough to make a noticeable change then it wasn't worth anything, but I have since changed my mind. At the end of the day I would rather have done something, anything, than nothing at all. Sometimes that looks like a phone call, a text message or a hug. A donation to the people with boots on the ground to meet a physical need on the other side of the world. No matter what it always means prayer. To the God who sees all and knows all. Yesterday our pastor was talking about the time period just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and he said something that I have heard before but just hit where I was right now. That Jesus saw their pain. He was moved by their grief. He joined them in their sorrow. I am comforted by the fact that we serve a God who seems to cradle us the gentlest when we are at our most broken. Who doesn't lack compassion but instead sees our pain. And although there are so many times I wish He would simply erase the pain it is a precious thing that He walks so closely beside us through it.

My former small group leaders, Sam and Grace, are walking through a valley right now, long and dark. The loss of a precious child. And they are sharing that valley. Not on the other side when life is patched together, but in real time where honesty is the only option. It is incredibly brave to bare your soul at your breaking point. When everything is a raw and gaping wound. To be real about your pain and to allow others to respond about theirs in the hopes that understanding and healing can spread between words and hearts and lives. You can read Grace's beautifully honest words here and please be praying for them.

As people who have a promise of hope and peace in the midst of great storms we need to see. Don't turn away. Don't close your eyes. Simply do what you can, where you are, with what God has given you. You might not always see a noticeable change in the situation, but it will always change your heart. Sometimes I think that is half the point.

Keep Dreaming!

Don't let the wolves in!

My world is quiet. It is the end of the day and the house is still.  And I find myself craving the busy. The noise. The distraction. It has been a long week (aka three weeks) and I don't want to look back. I don't want to dig deep and analyze my feelings. I don't want to ask myself what has been going on beneath the surface. Because I know what is going on. I am hiding. It is evident by the stack of dishes beside my sink, the to do list left untouched and the type of clothes I have been choosing to put on each day. I pull out items based on emotion. That favorite shirt that has warm and comforting memories attached to it, the insanely comfortable "travel pants" that I am wearing at this exact moment, the loose t-shirts that I can pull on as though I am pulling a shield over my very self.

There are times when you feel the accusations everywhere you look. When the guilt threatens to choke the very joy out of you. If you could only be more, do more, say more, finish that project, organize that room, keep everything clean, be a better parent/wife/friend/etc. And let me tell you all of the distractions in the world won't help one bit. Ignoring just makes the monster bigger. The only way to kill the monster is to face it.

So you open your mouth and the words spill out. Messy and painful and disappointed. And with each word the emotions lessen and you see the monster for what it is - the attempt of an enemy who has already been beaten to distract you, belittle you, derail you.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In my dream it was nighttime and I was in the living room of a house. I could sense that something was wrong or there was danger of some sort because I was checking the locks and looking out the windows. That is when I saw it bounding down the sidewalk towards the house, a massive wolf. Ferocious in the moonlight and the shadows. Without slowing it turned up the walk, bounded onto the porch and straight towards the front door. The only thought I had in my mind was this lock will never hold. And I was right. As I ran to brace the door with my hands it burst open and the wolf stood snarling mere feet away from me. I woke up with the words "Don't let the wolf in!" running through my head.

After the adrenaline faded (my dreams tend to be very vivid and lifelike), I of course started analyzing. My initial tendency is to take things literally so I immediately thought about guarding against a physical threat. But in hindsight I feel like this was spiritual. I also think that in focusing on the literal, I left the important things wide open and unprotected.

Every time that we let a negative thought run freely through our mind we are letting a wolf in. Every guilt trip (self-imposed or otherwise) that we give value to, every list of our shortcomings and past failures, every "I should have....", "if only I was...."  speech that we give ourselves, is a wolf. Ferocious, snarling and ready to tear us apart .

We have got to understand the importance of guarding our minds and our hearts!  We need to realize that there is a fight going on and we need to be vigilant about protecting our territory. Our homes, our relationships, our dreams and God given purpose. We need to be fighting for those things. They are worth every effort! We need to be in the word, in prayer and in community. Friends you and I can never fortify our "homes" enough. We can never guard every angle or protect every blind spot. Not alone anyway. We were never meant to do life alone. We need community. We need people to have our backs while we in turn have theirs.

So when you find yourself in the place of guilt and accusations, don't make the mistake of thinking you are alone. Find one of your people and let the words out. Listen to the truth that God speaks over you. Install deadbolts and solid steel doors on your "house" and fight for those things in life that are worth the battle! And if you happen to see someone else struggling in that place fight for them! Listen with grace to their words and be a truth speaker to remind them of how precious they are to God. I know I talk a lot about speaking truth, but it is hands down the best way to combat the lies. This past week in particular my husband and a dear friend spoke truth to me when I needed it and it breathed absolute life into me. Just as every lie is a wolf, every truth is a piece of armor. Build your armor and the armor of your people so thick that the wolves don't stand a chance.

Keep Dreaming!